Heyo everyone...
A second good day in a row.. wow.. a trend maybe? LOL
One could hope.
Had physics class after two weeks being off.. boy, I do like the time off from school LOL.
Not much today.. I'm cold and watching Hell's Kitchen. Great show. Tired, back aches, and cramps.. but I'm all good. I rather have these types of days versus those where I worry.
my social calendar is opening up.. Saturday I'm hanging out with friends at lunch, then maybe out on Saturday night (haven't made up my mind yet...), dinner Sunday night with my bro.. and seeing if I can get Jeffrey to get us in to the movies free to see Red.. both me and Derrick wants to see this movie.
It looks like it's going to storm pretty good tonight.. I love rainy days. As long as I stay dry lol.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday 10/13/10
hey yo's..
I'm doing good today.. work was good. I'm glad it's hump day though. I'm ready for the weekend.
It's chilly in here today, made a big pot of chili for dinner. It was great.
I completed, to the best of my ability (god knows how much ability I have LOL) to do my physics homework/test. I need to pass.. I don't care if it's a c, as long as it gets me to the next level. I need to get this school done... along with other things in my life. I'm ready.
I'm now watching America's Next Top Model. I don't know why I love these types of shows.. I never been one for fashion or beauty growing up. I was always the tomboy. I never really wore makeup until the past few years.. I'm not sure what started me doing make up and watching these shows. I want to say it had something to do with my relationship with Jesse, but I don't know for sure. Maybe it's a start in finding who I am? For years, the kids and Jesse were who I was. Jeffrey will be leaving with in the year, and Derrick (hopefully lol) in the next few years.. then who will I be? It's time to find who I am. I never knew who I was.. right out of tech school in the military, I got pregnant. Married, had two kids, divorced, then not too long after, I met Jesse... never had time to be myself, to create friends for myself, or even date really. I was worried too much about the kids.
I am excited about trying to find who I am... and terrified at the same time.
I'm doing good today.. work was good. I'm glad it's hump day though. I'm ready for the weekend.
It's chilly in here today, made a big pot of chili for dinner. It was great.
I completed, to the best of my ability (god knows how much ability I have LOL) to do my physics homework/test. I need to pass.. I don't care if it's a c, as long as it gets me to the next level. I need to get this school done... along with other things in my life. I'm ready.
I'm now watching America's Next Top Model. I don't know why I love these types of shows.. I never been one for fashion or beauty growing up. I was always the tomboy. I never really wore makeup until the past few years.. I'm not sure what started me doing make up and watching these shows. I want to say it had something to do with my relationship with Jesse, but I don't know for sure. Maybe it's a start in finding who I am? For years, the kids and Jesse were who I was. Jeffrey will be leaving with in the year, and Derrick (hopefully lol) in the next few years.. then who will I be? It's time to find who I am. I never knew who I was.. right out of tech school in the military, I got pregnant. Married, had two kids, divorced, then not too long after, I met Jesse... never had time to be myself, to create friends for myself, or even date really. I was worried too much about the kids.
I am excited about trying to find who I am... and terrified at the same time.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday 10/12/10
Hello my lovelies...
It's been a good day today. Of course, not much happened LOL. I got invited to a friend's house for lunch Saturday, and out on Saturday night.
I want to do some crafty stuff with all my clay, but I can't seem to bring out the creative side of me. I don't know why. That's a lie, I do know why.. but I wish it wasn't. Being creative would help things out. I miss doing clay... Maybe I'll try this weekend. It would help if I had a dedicated space. The little corner in the kitchen isn't space enough. I wish I could trash all of Jesse's crap in the room upstairs and take over that area.. but lugging all that craft stuff of mine would be tiring.
I should also study more.. but ya. see above. Anything that requires any involvement of my brain is kaput and has been for about 2 months now.
Oh well. Things will get better. It better.
It's been a good day today. Of course, not much happened LOL. I got invited to a friend's house for lunch Saturday, and out on Saturday night.
I want to do some crafty stuff with all my clay, but I can't seem to bring out the creative side of me. I don't know why. That's a lie, I do know why.. but I wish it wasn't. Being creative would help things out. I miss doing clay... Maybe I'll try this weekend. It would help if I had a dedicated space. The little corner in the kitchen isn't space enough. I wish I could trash all of Jesse's crap in the room upstairs and take over that area.. but lugging all that craft stuff of mine would be tiring.
I should also study more.. but ya. see above. Anything that requires any involvement of my brain is kaput and has been for about 2 months now.
Oh well. Things will get better. It better.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday 10/11/10
I was fine today, great actually, at work. Then I got home. I started painting a piece of furniture, then I started to think. Me and thinking do not mix well these days.
Thoughts I am pondering, and I know I shouldn't... but how in hell do I stop?!
1. What's the latest Jesse is telling his friends? Is he playing the victim card again? He has no right to. I haven't really thought of this again until today. First, I wasn't paying attention to him or the kids, then it was I was insecure with myself and making these stories up about him cheating. I know I shouldn't worry about it, I don't run in the same crowds as Jesse does.. but it still hurts.
2. How in hell am I going to afford the winter months? I'm afraid to turn on the heat because I can't afford the heating bill, and I know for a fact Jesse will whine about not able to afford to help out with an oil bill (bullshit..). It's already cold out, and I'm tired of being cold.
3. And why is so many people that aren't friendly with me reading this blog (yes, I have IP tracking)? Why is Jesse's mom, his sister, his brother in law, his new girlfriend, Jesse himself, a friend or two of his,reading my blog? Are they hoping I will fuck up in some sort of way and that it'll give them rope to hang me with? Or are they sick and like to see my pain? I did nothing wrong to these people. Their son/brother/friend hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray our wedding vows. Hell, I was even willing to work on the marriage (even with his cheating)before he started lying to his friends/family. He needs some help. If anything comes of this, I hope you all can talk him into seeing a counselor, he's very depressed. A myriad of things come to mind why: his weight, guilt, male issues, and his mother issues.
4. I want to move on.. I need to. But I can't. I'm living in a place where I can't afford to heat, I have no spending money to even get the boys a hamburger from a fast food joint. I can't even get my oldest his senior pictures because of how Jesse screwing me over. I want to move on, I want to get out of this house. I rather like this house, but I can't afford it. I refuse to have anything to do with selling it. I put in all the work into getting this house because this is the one Jesse wanted. I did the legwork, I did the paperwork.. I refuse to put in any legwork into selling this place. I will. That is non-negotiable. I put a lot of time and sweat into getting this place. All he did was sign his name. literally. Let Jesse do something on his own for once in his life.
5. Why do I still feel this way? Why is there still pain? I'm tired of it.. so tired of it. I know I'll have good days and bad days, and after 230pm, today was one of those bad days LOL.
If you don't like what I write, then feel free to click that little x at the top right hand side of the browser window, because this blog is for no one else but for me, me and my growth.
I feel better getting this out.
Thoughts I am pondering, and I know I shouldn't... but how in hell do I stop?!
1. What's the latest Jesse is telling his friends? Is he playing the victim card again? He has no right to. I haven't really thought of this again until today. First, I wasn't paying attention to him or the kids, then it was I was insecure with myself and making these stories up about him cheating. I know I shouldn't worry about it, I don't run in the same crowds as Jesse does.. but it still hurts.
2. How in hell am I going to afford the winter months? I'm afraid to turn on the heat because I can't afford the heating bill, and I know for a fact Jesse will whine about not able to afford to help out with an oil bill (bullshit..). It's already cold out, and I'm tired of being cold.
3. And why is so many people that aren't friendly with me reading this blog (yes, I have IP tracking)? Why is Jesse's mom, his sister, his brother in law, his new girlfriend, Jesse himself, a friend or two of his,reading my blog? Are they hoping I will fuck up in some sort of way and that it'll give them rope to hang me with? Or are they sick and like to see my pain? I did nothing wrong to these people. Their son/brother/friend hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray our wedding vows. Hell, I was even willing to work on the marriage (even with his cheating)before he started lying to his friends/family. He needs some help. If anything comes of this, I hope you all can talk him into seeing a counselor, he's very depressed. A myriad of things come to mind why: his weight, guilt, male issues, and his mother issues.
4. I want to move on.. I need to. But I can't. I'm living in a place where I can't afford to heat, I have no spending money to even get the boys a hamburger from a fast food joint. I can't even get my oldest his senior pictures because of how Jesse screwing me over. I want to move on, I want to get out of this house. I rather like this house, but I can't afford it. I refuse to have anything to do with selling it. I put in all the work into getting this house because this is the one Jesse wanted. I did the legwork, I did the paperwork.. I refuse to put in any legwork into selling this place. I will. That is non-negotiable. I put a lot of time and sweat into getting this place. All he did was sign his name. literally. Let Jesse do something on his own for once in his life.
5. Why do I still feel this way? Why is there still pain? I'm tired of it.. so tired of it. I know I'll have good days and bad days, and after 230pm, today was one of those bad days LOL.
If you don't like what I write, then feel free to click that little x at the top right hand side of the browser window, because this blog is for no one else but for me, me and my growth.
I feel better getting this out.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Sunday 10/10/10
10/10/10.. special for some people I guess. I hear many couples are getting married today.. I guess 10/10/10 is better than 6/6/06 LOL.
Didn't do much today, other than usual cleaning. Tried my hand at making coconut shrimp.. it wasn't the best LOL. I think it was because I used un-sweetened coconut.
Tomorrow's a furlough day at work.. and I'm still going in. I wanted to take the furlough day as well, but I have so much work to do. Not to mention, I need the money. I need some time off. Big time. I think I have some vacation time, not sure how much. I'll have to investigate LOL.
Jeffrey's at work, and Derrick went to bed.. where I'll be going soon. Probably read some and fall asleep LOL. 4am comes quickly nowdays. Oh, I made this cool video on youtube:
if you have a youtube account, you can create your own.. it ain't hard.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Saturday 10/9/10
Jeffrey's senior year homecoming. He's the bald one on the right. Ya, the tall and lanky one. Why oh why couldn't I get the skinny gene? blah. Sorry the pic is blurry, I didn't realize it when I took the photo, and I only took one pic. I'm a bad mommy for only taking the one LOL. He's going with a date, but they're only friends... and she's meeting him at the dance. My baby's last homecoming LOL.Nothing new and exciting today.. other than the fact this is the first day I totally feel like my normal self. I started to feel it yesterday as well, even with the bullshit at work. I feel myself smiling more and talking more often. People are noticing it as well.
I woke up early, after 8 hours of sleep (yay!).. did laundry, waited for Jeffrey to get up so I can take him to work, and Derrick and I went shopping. Other than that, nada. Oh well.
I did get to be the shoulder of a friend when they needed to vent, when it's usually me who's doing the venting. It felt good to help out.. I hope everything turns out ok for her. She's had a shitty life these past few years.
So far, it's been about two months since I've been dieting, and I've lost 40lbs (if you want, I can subtract the 260+ lbs when Jesse left LOL). I feel good, and am doing good. I only dream of cheating.. literally. Last night I dreamed I was eating fried chicken and was feeling quite guilty about the carbs involved. But, in real life, I have no cravings for anything really. Now, it's more to eat to survive rather than eating emotionally. I mean, I ate breakfast at 6 am, ate some pork rinds early afternoon, and forgot to eat until a few minutes ago. I must have been eating emotionally quite a bit when I was with Jesse. that would explain the weight gain when we were together. Makes sense I guess.
I wouldn't mind watching a movie, but I'm tired. So, I think I'll watch the rest of cops, and then head off to bed.. read a book, and turn the electric blanket on :).
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday 10/8/10
Today's been an exhausting day. I'm tired from work, it was stressful this week and I'm glad it's done. It was so tiring, I could literally fall asleep right now. Probably why this post won't be too long LOL.
A person at work totally pissed me off today, tried to throw me under the bus for something that I had no control over, when in fact his employees screwed up. It really really pissed me off LOL. Then he began to tell me how to do my job... but that's ok..I stood my ground and I got over it .. after a few hours LOL. He does it one more time, I'm going to have to have a talk with the department manager. This guy isn't even remotely in my chain of command and should not be talking to me in this way... or dictating me how to do my job.
I cut Jeffrey's mop today, he wanted a high and tight, but not too tight. I did an ok job. With his cut hair, I could've made a wig for someone. And he didn't even have long hair. Oh I wish I had his hair lol
We also had to go to Kohls to get him a shirt for the homecoming dance tomorrow. Thank god for coupons LOL. cheap cheap. Almost talked him into a red shirt.. he wouldn't have cared. He's so freaking skinny that you look at him sideways you can't see him. He swims in his old shirt.
He's off working tonight, but thank god that he's getting a ride from a friend. I'm too tired LOL.
Derrick's spending time alone in his room, and I'm trying to watch tv... but I'm soooo tired LOL. I'm trying to at least stay up until 830. I don't think I'll make it. I'm so old. But then again, keep going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4 will do that to you after a while.
So, see you all tomorrow!
A person at work totally pissed me off today, tried to throw me under the bus for something that I had no control over, when in fact his employees screwed up. It really really pissed me off LOL. Then he began to tell me how to do my job... but that's ok..I stood my ground and I got over it .. after a few hours LOL. He does it one more time, I'm going to have to have a talk with the department manager. This guy isn't even remotely in my chain of command and should not be talking to me in this way... or dictating me how to do my job.
I cut Jeffrey's mop today, he wanted a high and tight, but not too tight. I did an ok job. With his cut hair, I could've made a wig for someone. And he didn't even have long hair. Oh I wish I had his hair lol
We also had to go to Kohls to get him a shirt for the homecoming dance tomorrow. Thank god for coupons LOL. cheap cheap. Almost talked him into a red shirt.. he wouldn't have cared. He's so freaking skinny that you look at him sideways you can't see him. He swims in his old shirt.
He's off working tonight, but thank god that he's getting a ride from a friend. I'm too tired LOL.
Derrick's spending time alone in his room, and I'm trying to watch tv... but I'm soooo tired LOL. I'm trying to at least stay up until 830. I don't think I'll make it. I'm so old. But then again, keep going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4 will do that to you after a while.
So, see you all tomorrow!
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