Let's start this out by giving a snapshot of my life. I'm in a bad place right now, and hoping that this blog will help me in expressing my feelings and thoughts and getting me out of this slump I'm in.
I'm married, been married for 5 years now to Jesse Kiesel, and been with my husband for almost 6 years before marriage. He raised the my boys like they were his own. We met online when I was living in New Hampshire. He was a good guy, a christian, and treated me quite well.
It started to change when, before we were married, I found him chatting online with some women, and looking at porn. I got mad of course, and he stopped. I loved him, and got over it in my own way.
We were an old married couple, with our problems. We were growing apart, but I thought (stupidly I know...) that that's what married people do. He was always on the computer, chatting with friends and looking up with stuff. In the morning he was on the computer after waking. When I came home, he was on the computer up until we went to bed. Even when he wasn't on the internet, he was on his computer all the time.
There was a point I had to work 2 jobs to keep our family fed, and after we were married, Jesse talked me into going back to school. So, I started. I was going to school full time and working full time. Because of his computers and my school/work, we grew apart... but that doesn't mean I didn't love him and wanted to work on things. I thought he was happy in what he was doing. He never said a word.. so how was I supposed to know he wasn't happy?
Fast forward to three weeks ago. Out of the blue, Jesse got upset, and said I never paid any attention to him. We weren't close, that I "changed" since we got together. I said ok, lets work on it then. We both put down the computers, spent time together. We made a point to spend an hour or two after work and before bed together, alone. We put plans in to do weekly dates together, just the two of us.
Well, we went to walmart one day to do grocery shopping, and for some reason, Jesse had a fit. I asked him, if all this was due to another woman. He said no. I should've paid attention to my intuition. I know when Jesse's lying. He gets this look. And he had that look when I asked him. But, I didn't pay attention. We took a walk to get out of the house. When we got home, the first thing he did was pick up his computer and logged onto facebook. Well, I knew his facebook passwords, and logged in at the same time he did.... and boy, did I find out some information.
I was reading his chats with this woman Michelle Pellitier (or however you spell it). Jesse has always claimed that she was a friend from when he worked at port resources, when he was still married to Lindsay (or however you spell her name). They were close then. But, he swore up and down that they were just friends and he was "helping" her out with her computer. Well, I was watching him chatting with her (believe me, I have a copy of this chat), and the next thing I know, he was telling her he couldn't stand to be near me, that all he wanted to do was be with her. He "really" needed to see her after his "counseling" appointment that Monday.
I confronted him about this. He said he hasn't loved me for years, he didn't even want to marry me. He's been having an affair with her since June. he had a thing for her during his last marriage. I wanted him to either leave or give her up. He choose to leave.
We just bought a house in Nov., and we have no equity in this house whatsoever. He signed an agreement that when he received his inheritance, that he would help me out so I could stay in the house. I have two kids, both in high school, and one that is about to graduate. I can't change schools on him now. There are no decent apartments that I can afford, especially since he left me with all the bills. He's only paying a small portion of the mortgage. He's not even paying rent, but somehow, I'm supposed to pay everything, alone. So, I'm going to hold him up to the signed contract as much as I can.. or at least my lawyer will.
I'm hurt. I've offered him several times to go to marriage counseling, and to forgive him for cheating on me. I know I ain't the best wife, but I did NOT deserve what he did to me. He supposedly a Christian. He's what gives Christians bad names. He never gave me a chance. Now, he's mad at me. ME? What in hell did I do? He cleaned out the bank accounts, and left me with the mess.
I'm depressed, I can't sleep, having a hard time eating, not concentrating at school.. 3 weeks and I'm depressed. I'm restless, can't stop crying. I'm not a sociable person, so I don't have many people to talk to... and the worst thing? He gets to live the free life. No worries, no stress.. nothing. He gets to screw with this woman while I hurt.
I have to go to the doctors Friday, to make sure that I don't have an STD. And the worst thing? My doctor is his friend. Wanna know how embarrassing this is for me?
Even more so, he's telling his friends that I'm at fault. I never paid attention to him or the kids or the family. Bullshit. I've worked two jobs, going to school while working full time, doing housework, and cooking. He says he does all the work at the house. When was the last time he vacuumed? dusted? mopped? cooked? cleaned?
The boys are handling it quite well. Derrick, my youngest (16), told me he wasn't surprised. Whenever I was at work, he was gone from the house all the time. It's great that he flaunted this affair in front of my kids.
Sad thing is, that I was willing to forgive and go to counseling.
Now, he's in a hurry to get me to sign. He's worried that I can touch his inheritance. Well, he needs to get into the real time and realize how much debt we're in, between school loans and the house. I might not be able to touch it, but he has the ability to now pay.
Because he left me with all the bills, I have no way to save money for an apartment or to even move. I can't afford first/security deposit. I can't afford anything.
And Jesse doesn't give a shit. He thinks it's all about him. His life, his money, his things. Not ours, it never was about "us" it was always about "him".
He is a selfish bastard that hurt me, and doesn't care that he has.
If you never loved me, then why in the hell did you marry me? Why in hell did you want to buy this house (and yes, this was your idea)? Why in hell aren't you up late/early crying your eyes out?
What is wrong with wanting answers? I need them.
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