This one's for you Jesse

Why is Jesse so nasty to me?

That is a good question. I asked myself that the first day I found out about his affair. I mean, he told his girl friend he couldn't stand being near me that day, but, he couldn't stand to be away from me. He laid on my lap for most of the day, loving being babied. He spent quite a bit of time with me.. him on me. I never forced him anywhere near me. He was quite willing. And this is what is the most confusing and hurtful to me I think.

As for his nastiness? I think it has to do with me not backing down and letting him run away scott free. Nothing came up in our marriage about not being happy until after The Affair started. He never gave us a chance to work on things. I think, honestly, that if I didn't find that chat, we would still be here together... him having the best of both worlds. I honestly think this.

I bet he's still telling his friends/family that it's all my fault. He even posted on facebook that It was all my fault. Granted, I wasn't the model housewife, but!! no one deserves having their spouse break their wedding vows to be faithful to each other. I mean, he didn't even give us a chance to even go to counseling, to work on things. This alone proves to me that his affair has nothing to do with me and all to do with him.

I can bet you (because I know Jesse) he's extremely pissed about this blog. I am telling the truth on this blog. I need a way to express myself. Or, is it that only jesse's allowed to express his feelings to everyone?

Also knowing Jesse, I have a feeling he's not going to help with the taxes due or the mortgage here soon. He probably thinks I'm a horrible, nasty, crazy person who doesn't deserve help. Jesse knows better. He knows who I am. I have kids to support, and a house to put together that he crumbled, and a heart to somehow sew back together. How, after nearly 11 years, he would think something like this of me? It hurts that he would even consider me to be this way.

I also don't understand, him being a libertarian, can't understand that I need the freedom to express myself? He knows I haven't lied in this blog. He knows that I have proof to back things I say. Why can't he admit it to himself?

It hurts me to know that he's being this way. I've been with him so long that it still hurts to know that something's not right. Even after what he did to me. I tried to be amicable to him. I really tried. But, how can I be anymore when I hear things that he's saying to his friends about me? I only told one friend about what happened, until he started posting on facebook on how much of a terrible wife and mother I was. That hurt bad. I did everything for those boys and for him. Even before we were married, and he had no job, I supported him. I supported everything he's done. Maybe I held my feelings in, but that doesn't excuse what he's done. It could've been worked on.

I am not being nasty. I am hurt. But because my being hurt makes him look bad, I'm being nasty. Am I not allowed to voice my pain??? He won't speak to me, he won't help me out in terms of the bills WE BOTH occurred. Yes Jesse, that means both YOU and ME. Not just ME. In the marriage, what you earned was OURS. What I earned was OURS.
I can't afford to pay off everything myself. That is because we were together and had both of our incomes together and lived in a style that fit the both of us together. You left, and left me with the bulk of everything. That is not fair. And, knowing you, you're wanting to not own up to this. If it takes a judge to get you to help me out until the divorce is final, then let it be so, and since you've been through this before with your first ex, you know what the judge is going to say.


This is for you Jesse, since you won't talk to me, but I do know for a fact you're reading my blog.