Saturday 10/30/10

Today was a much better day. Took Jeffrey to work and then Derrick and I went to the new Trader Joes in Portland. It was so crowded, they had cops around showing where people can park LOL. Didn't get much.. some nuts.. their nuts are extremly cheap.. some cheese and 2 buck chuck (aka 2$ wine) lol. Just bought the pink one.. zinfedele or something like that. It was pretty color LOL. I don't buy wine, ever, or even really drink. but thought it would be cool to have a glass at night. Got it home, sat down.. wanted to try it.. but no cork screws LOL. Life sucks.

Jeffrey's got a new girlfriend. She seems nice, what little I've seen of her. She works where he does.. he refuses to date any Biddeford girls.. I guess they have a reputation. That's good. I'm way too young to be a grandma. he's got a friend staying over tonight.

other than that, not much. I started chatting with people on yahoo, and boy does that help. I meet some interesting people. I'm having fun. It helps me deal with things.. and gets my mind off the stbx. So, I am good.

Other than that, and a few chores, quite a boring day.

Friday 10/29/10

FML. Fucked up past year. All this shit in one year. First off, my brother died not too long ago. He was around 30 years old. He had cancer as a kid, and the chemo killed him later on in life. Then not much later, my grandfather died. He was a great guy. He left me and my brothers an inheritance, a really decent one, but we can't touch that until my father passes away and we're 40. Then just two months ago, Jesse fucked my life even more with his shit. Then today, my other brother went to the doctors because of pressure in his head and he can't hear in one ear. He had a MRI today, and they found something. They're doing a biopsy on a walnut size mass in his head near his ear. They're going through his ear to take the piece. That's on Monday. He wasn't going to tell me, but he came over today to write a letter he needed to print out. I bugged him about it, and he was writing a will. He doesn't want me there on Monday. It'll take a few days for him to get the results. I hope everything's going to be ok. God, my life sucks.

FML.

thursday 10/28/10

Today was a good day.

Going to have to create a huge program at work, where they might even have to hire another person to help me. This is going to be interesting. very interesting.

School is normal... i have to study my butt off this weekend.

Trader Joes opens tomorrow.. I'm going to go visit this weekend. They're good and cheap.

other than that, not a damned thing going on.

I rather like this this way. No life, but no drama either.

Wednesday 10/27/10

well well.. I almost forgot to post. Shame on me.

I had a good day.. went to the rest of the training.. and it clicked. Thank god.

other than that.. did nothing. I was worn out from the training, so no studying.

so, I will chat you up later :)

Tuesday 10/26/10

Today was a good day.

Drove to portsmouth and rode into mass. with my boss... boy he can talk lol. I came home and was brain dead. seriously. my brain can't handle anything else. Very interesting class, but jam packed with info. I'm scared about tomorrow... another full time of this stuff..lol. good that I get about 8 hours of overtime... and expenses.. money to put away to save towards xmas gifts. That time of the year is coming...

It's been a boring week.. so, I'm sorry I'm babbling. I have nothing going on.

so, on this note, I'll cya tomorrow.

Monday 10/25/10

It was a good day today. Work, had to get ready for my two days off.. well.. not technically 2 days off...I have to go south into Mass for two days with my boss for training. I'm glad to get those days off.

Other than that, did some homework, and doin some chattin online. I've missed it. Jesse used to get so pissed when I chatted... so, I gave it up for him. I am starting to meet people again... it's fun.

The kids are doing good. Jeffrey decided to meet a recruiter.. a marine. Not sure why.. I have yet to meet a normal marine... i thought I taught him better.. at least go AF.. they feed you better.

Other than that, a normal, boring day.

Sunday 10/24/10

Hello y'all.

Been a decent day. Didn't do much. Did homework.. puttered around the house. watched lots of tv.. and vegged. I needed it.

Derrick tried to mow the lawn, but didn't rake, and it was a little wet, so it stalled the lawnmower lol. He will try again when it's dry.

other than that, nada.

Pretty boring day LOL.

I could bitch about Jesse, but.. naw. I'm ok today.

Wet and dreary.. a good day to do nuthin.

Cya tomorrow :)

Saturday 10/23/10

Broken and forgotten?

Not too bad a pic for a cell phone eh? For some reason, this building with the clock tower has always intrigued me. I'm not sure why. It looks broken, but still, there has to be history behind it. Why is it just sitting there? It was an old mill.. Biddeford is an old mill town, with many mills sitting broken and forgotten. But, there's life in some of these mills... there's one on the island that is going to open up with apartments in them. I guess about 2/3rds of them will be for lower income residents, and the rest rented at market value. I would love to see them.

Today was a good day for the most part. Had to take Jeffrey to work, he's doing a double today. Went to trans market, which is an Asian market that sells really, really cheap produce. Bought some brussel sprouts (and burnt them for dinner...argh). It's quite an interesting store. I found unique items like dried lilly flower petals and crystal MSG. Drove home, then realized Jeffrey left his wallet in the car.. so I had to turn around and go back. Since he's doing a double, he's gotta eat..

On another note, Jesse texted me today.. amazed the shit out of me LOL. He got pissed that I sicked the oil company after him. The other day, the oil company automatically filled the oil tank, and the bill was nearly 400$. Of course, being in the situation that Jesse left me in, I couldn't afford to pay it. Since the bill was in his name, my lawyer said to call the oil company and give them his address/phone number. So I did. Gave him his number and his girlfriend's address. So, Jesse texted me saying the oil guy needs me to pay the oil bill. I told him per my lawyer, that since it's in his name, he's required to pay it. I told him he didn't realize how strapped for money I was. I told him he's going to have to pay it and that I can't. I told him I asked for his help, and he flat out refused. His response: i can't pay when you're getting 40% of the mortgage.. my "marital support" is your help, and that's 50% of my pay (bullshit), and I'm not paying for oil I don't use.. Of course, I called him out on this crap.. I told him that he brings home 1200+ a month. His rent is 250. His mortgage payment is 450. he pays 60$ on phone. He's living with his girlfriend, so that leaves approx. $500 a month to play with. I told him he can afford it. I then told him that I know his bills (I've done all the financial crap for us since we got together, and unless he lied on his financial paperwork...) and told him to call the oil company up and set up a payment plan. His response? That he will do it this ONE time and I'll have to find another oil company.
What a loser LOL. Wanna compare bills? having a home is more than just paying the mortgage. But of course Jesse would know this if he would've ever given up the excuse that he's "numbers dyslexic" and helped out with the finances... or any type of paperwork period.
He's being a jerk. Well, that's fine. keep being one. It'll catch up to him soon.

I think what pissed me off about this whole situation, is the fact that Jesse is supposed to be this upstanding Christian guy, when in fact he's an ass. Just take a look (if he doesn't erase it when I post this.. it was there the other day LOL) at his interests on facebook .. he likes "a woman that doesn't have to rely on a man's paycheck to survive". Of course, I have to rely on his help.. he put us in this situation. He wanted this house, and I did all the work to get us in this house, for the same reason why he couldn't ever do our finances... all he had to do was sign on the dotted line, which he was quite happy to do so. He knows for a fact (I've told him this several times) I can't afford to live here and pay all the bills on my own.. but does he care? No. He's always just cared about what he wants... it was always about him. It still is.

Sorry about the rant. I do feel better. At least it's getting less frequent.

Friday 10/22/10

Sorry folks for the window's picture.. I wanted to take a pic today, but I forgot my camera and was kinda busy.

It was a VERY Very good day. Mainly because it's Friday! LOL. Among a few other things.. I've laughed quite a bit today.. LOL...

Work was good... glad it's the weekend.

Took Jeffrey to work, went to AT&T and found out that people with smartphones are having phone issues.. I guess the huge thunderstorm yesterday took out a cell phone tower. So, those with regular phones are ok, but those with smartphones here are screwed up for the moment. I'm now getting phone calls/sending calls, so we'll see if it's fixed. I hope so lol

Took Derrick grocery shopping.. it was dead at walmart. spent below budget for the week on groceries, which is good. I've got every penny accounted for until February. Very little money left over. If something happens, I'm basically screwed lol.

But, that's ok. I see good things in the future.

Things happen for a reason, as people are finding out. I know there's a reason.. one of these days I'll find out what the reasons were. Debbie's favorite word, and word of the day: Karma. It's starting to show it's little head... and tomorrow, I hope she gets her karma. It's starting girl friend :) good luck tomorrow!

Thursday 10/21/10

It was a normal, regular, run of the mill day LOL.

I nearly had a heart attack, my phone wouldn't take calls or send calls.. so I had to borrow Derricks.. but it had to be charged.. so i had to borrow Jeffreys but he had a coronary. I doubt that boy has ever had his phone away from his side ever. I think the battery was way low.. the charger must've stopped working. I have it hooked up to the computer and it seems to accept/send out phone calls now.. whew. crises averted.

Other than the phone situation, all is normal around here.

yep. SNAFU.

I'm tired.. might hit the hay early tonight. One more day thank goodness.

Wednesday 10/20/10

Today was a better day. I don't know what happened yesterday. Stress and lack of eating probably. I had such a headache when I got home. I received some paperwork from lawyer that I started to fill out, then these sharp stabbing pains hit. I started dinner for the boys, then the smells made me sick. I turned off dinner, made Derrick put the food away, let them fend for themselves for dinner, and went to bed. I slept from about 630pm yesterday until 4am this morning. I was a little woozy from the headache yesterday, but was fine. Damn migraine. Thank god I don't get them often.

Work was good.. after work took Jeffrey to go sign up at the Y to use their facility. He's going to join the high school swimming team. another expense. argh.

Tried to do some online homework, but couldn't concentrate. I'll be doing it this weekend.. it's not like I have a life LOL.

I heard that the Rangers are kicking Yankee's ass. Good. You go home team! you can take the girl out of Texas, but never the Texas out of the girl....

Tuesday 10/19/10

I have a migraine. I have a large headache and feel like I'm going to get sick, probably due to the stress and the lack of food since 4am LOL. I'm cooking dinner then off to bed. cya.

Monday 10/18/10

Things aren't what they seem...

I should've known what kind of day it was going to be when I got to lunch and realized it was the 18th and not the 19th.. know how many labels I had to change?! It wasn't pretty. Other than that, work was fine.

I got home and there was a surprise in my mailbox. It literally put me into tears. I'm still upset about it. I won't go into detail about it, because of who reads my blog, but they'll find out about it soon enough I suppose. But, I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I can't afford anything extra. I turned in my coin jar to take the boys out this past weekend. I can't afford anything.. and this "surprise".. I can't pay it. If I pay this, I can't pay the mortgage. I called my lawyer, but he's out of town until Wednesday. I don't know what I'm going to do. I did my budget all the way up until Feb, and I don't have any extra income for this. I hope my lawyer can fix this. Well, technically, it wasn't really a surprise.. I knew it was coming, I was hoping to put it off for at least another month or so.

Because of this, I now have a serious headache. I'm tired and exhausted. I need to stay up for at least another hour in order to keep my body clock ok.

Sunday 10/17/10

Life growing amidst death.

I'm rather amazed I'm still getting flowers when it's been this cold lately. They're far and few though. The Delilahs are just about done.. I planted those this spring, and boy, the flowers were the size of saucers. Huge. And bright pink. I loved them.

Today was a good day. Jeffrey had a friend over for the night, so we took him home.. and I took the boys out for Chinese buffet. Saved my change (plus a coupon) for a while to take them out, and boy was it a mistake. TinTin buffet has gotten bad. Nasty. I thought the boys loved the place, but they thought I loved the place, when in fact I haven't liked it in a while LOL. 40$ for lunch. I was pissed. If I had known ........ LOL.

We went to go see the movie Red. Jeffrey got Derrick in free. I liked what I saw/heard. The sound died in the movie with in 30 minutes. So, we got a rain-check. Since Jeffrey can get one of us in for free.. it's like I got an extra ticket free. So, we might go see the movie again next weekend or something. Derrick wants to go see the new jackass movie, but I'm in no way interested in adults acting dangerously stupid.

We then went over to my brother's for dinner. He's having man issues. His new man is getting on his nerves. I hope he doesn't settle. There's a shortage of good men in Maine. He's going to come over for dinner tomorrow.. I'm making a pulled pork dish.. it's good. Just throw in some pork loin, a jar of salsa verde, some onions/garlic.. and cook away in a crock pot. yummo.

Other than that, a pretty good day :)

Saturday 10/16/10

Look at those colors.. aren't the gooorgeous? Fall has hit in a hard way recently here on the coast of Maine. Very breezy and cold lately. Rain has stopped, and the basement is soaked. Taking forever for the dehumidifier to get the water out of the basement LOL. I hope it hurries, I don't want to rack up the electric bill any more than it already is.

It was a good day. Was going to go to a cookout, but it was canceled, so we went to the mall instead. Did a lot of window shopping. I love smelling the different perfumes.. some of them make me wonder how in hell they ever sell LOL.

I decided not to go out tonight.. I'm tired and feel just like vegging in my pajamas. We didn't do much of anything today.. I watched a movie (Valentine's day) and played around with my makeup and decluttered a little in the bedroom.

Tomorrow is going to be busy.. the usual housework, homework, we're going to the movies (to see Red), and my brother invited us to dinner.

Speaking of my brother.. he was walking to the store and passed by Jesse's girlfriend's house (where he's living). He said he saw Jesse sitting on the porch alone, looking quite like the lost puppy... sad and alone. I guess he was rather surprised to see my brother walking by. But, Jesse must've forgotten, my brother lives around the corner. I want to say good, he deserves it, and I hope he's suffering bad. But, I want to think I am better than that. Sometimes I know I am not. I am human, and I have feelings and emotions. And I am allowed these feelings. I hope he is. He's missing out on a good family. The boys are good kids. He will never be able to have kids of his own, so I feel sorry for him... I really do. He threw away a good thing. Maybe one day he'll realize this.

Friday 10/15/10

I love this video.. there are times I want to act like she does here, but I have no guts LOL.

TGIF.

Weird day, everything was screwing up at work... but still had a good day.

Went grocery shopping tonight, to have Saturdays free now.

Jeffrey's at work, and I'm home watching Project Runway...

Living life at it's fullest? LOL. Well, for me, at this moment, I guess it is.

Thursday 10/14/10

Heyo everyone...

A second good day in a row.. wow.. a trend maybe? LOL
One could hope.

Had physics class after two weeks being off.. boy, I do like the time off from school LOL.

Not much today.. I'm cold and watching Hell's Kitchen. Great show. Tired, back aches, and cramps.. but I'm all good. I rather have these types of days versus those where I worry.

my social calendar is opening up.. Saturday I'm hanging out with friends at lunch, then maybe out on Saturday night (haven't made up my mind yet...), dinner Sunday night with my bro.. and seeing if I can get Jeffrey to get us in to the movies free to see Red.. both me and Derrick wants to see this movie.

It looks like it's going to storm pretty good tonight.. I love rainy days. As long as I stay dry lol.

Wednesday 10/13/10

hey yo's..

I'm doing good today.. work was good. I'm glad it's hump day though. I'm ready for the weekend.

It's chilly in here today, made a big pot of chili for dinner. It was great.

I completed, to the best of my ability (god knows how much ability I have LOL) to do my physics homework/test. I need to pass.. I don't care if it's a c, as long as it gets me to the next level. I need to get this school done... along with other things in my life. I'm ready.

I'm now watching America's Next Top Model. I don't know why I love these types of shows.. I never been one for fashion or beauty growing up. I was always the tomboy. I never really wore makeup until the past few years.. I'm not sure what started me doing make up and watching these shows. I want to say it had something to do with my relationship with Jesse, but I don't know for sure. Maybe it's a start in finding who I am? For years, the kids and Jesse were who I was. Jeffrey will be leaving with in the year, and Derrick (hopefully lol) in the next few years.. then who will I be? It's time to find who I am. I never knew who I was.. right out of tech school in the military, I got pregnant. Married, had two kids, divorced, then not too long after, I met Jesse... never had time to be myself, to create friends for myself, or even date really. I was worried too much about the kids.

I am excited about trying to find who I am... and terrified at the same time.

Tuesday 10/12/10

Hello my lovelies...

It's been a good day today. Of course, not much happened LOL. I got invited to a friend's house for lunch Saturday, and out on Saturday night.

I want to do some crafty stuff with all my clay, but I can't seem to bring out the creative side of me. I don't know why. That's a lie, I do know why.. but I wish it wasn't. Being creative would help things out. I miss doing clay... Maybe I'll try this weekend. It would help if I had a dedicated space. The little corner in the kitchen isn't space enough. I wish I could trash all of Jesse's crap in the room upstairs and take over that area.. but lugging all that craft stuff of mine would be tiring.

I should also study more.. but ya. see above. Anything that requires any involvement of my brain is kaput and has been for about 2 months now.

Oh well. Things will get better. It better.

Monday 10/11/10

I was fine today, great actually, at work. Then I got home. I started painting a piece of furniture, then I started to think. Me and thinking do not mix well these days.

Thoughts I am pondering, and I know I shouldn't... but how in hell do I stop?!

1. What's the latest Jesse is telling his friends? Is he playing the victim card again? He has no right to. I haven't really thought of this again until today. First, I wasn't paying attention to him or the kids, then it was I was insecure with myself and making these stories up about him cheating. I know I shouldn't worry about it, I don't run in the same crowds as Jesse does.. but it still hurts.

2. How in hell am I going to afford the winter months? I'm afraid to turn on the heat because I can't afford the heating bill, and I know for a fact Jesse will whine about not able to afford to help out with an oil bill (bullshit..). It's already cold out, and I'm tired of being cold.

3. And why is so many people that aren't friendly with me reading this blog (yes, I have IP tracking)? Why is Jesse's mom, his sister, his brother in law, his new girlfriend, Jesse himself, a friend or two of his,reading my blog? Are they hoping I will fuck up in some sort of way and that it'll give them rope to hang me with? Or are they sick and like to see my pain? I did nothing wrong to these people. Their son/brother/friend hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray our wedding vows. Hell, I was even willing to work on the marriage (even with his cheating)before he started lying to his friends/family. He needs some help. If anything comes of this, I hope you all can talk him into seeing a counselor, he's very depressed. A myriad of things come to mind why: his weight, guilt, male issues, and his mother issues.

4. I want to move on.. I need to. But I can't. I'm living in a place where I can't afford to heat, I have no spending money to even get the boys a hamburger from a fast food joint. I can't even get my oldest his senior pictures because of how Jesse screwing me over. I want to move on, I want to get out of this house. I rather like this house, but I can't afford it. I refuse to have anything to do with selling it. I put in all the work into getting this house because this is the one Jesse wanted. I did the legwork, I did the paperwork.. I refuse to put in any legwork into selling this place. I will. That is non-negotiable. I put a lot of time and sweat into getting this place. All he did was sign his name. literally. Let Jesse do something on his own for once in his life.

5. Why do I still feel this way? Why is there still pain? I'm tired of it.. so tired of it. I know I'll have good days and bad days, and after 230pm, today was one of those bad days LOL.

If you don't like what I write, then feel free to click that little x at the top right hand side of the browser window, because this blog is for no one else but for me, me and my growth.

I feel better getting this out.

Sunday 10/10/10

10/10/10.. special for some people I guess. I hear many couples are getting married today.. I guess 10/10/10 is better than 6/6/06 LOL.

Didn't do much today, other than usual cleaning. Tried my hand at making coconut shrimp.. it wasn't the best LOL. I think it was because I used un-sweetened coconut.

Tomorrow's a furlough day at work.. and I'm still going in. I wanted to take the furlough day as well, but I have so much work to do. Not to mention, I need the money. I need some time off. Big time. I think I have some vacation time, not sure how much. I'll have to investigate LOL.

Jeffrey's at work, and Derrick went to bed.. where I'll be going soon. Probably read some and fall asleep LOL. 4am comes quickly nowdays. Oh, I made this cool video on youtube:

if you have a youtube account, you can create your own.. it ain't hard.

Saturday 10/9/10

Jeffrey's senior year homecoming. He's the bald one on the right. Ya, the tall and lanky one. Why oh why couldn't I get the skinny gene? blah. Sorry the pic is blurry, I didn't realize it when I took the photo, and I only took one pic. I'm a bad mommy for only taking the one LOL. He's going with a date, but they're only friends... and she's meeting him at the dance. My baby's last homecoming LOL.

Nothing new and exciting today.. other than the fact this is the first day I totally feel like my normal self. I started to feel it yesterday as well, even with the bullshit at work. I feel myself smiling more and talking more often. People are noticing it as well.

I woke up early, after 8 hours of sleep (yay!).. did laundry, waited for Jeffrey to get up so I can take him to work, and Derrick and I went shopping. Other than that, nada. Oh well.

I did get to be the shoulder of a friend when they needed to vent, when it's usually me who's doing the venting. It felt good to help out.. I hope everything turns out ok for her. She's had a shitty life these past few years.

So far, it's been about two months since I've been dieting, and I've lost 40lbs (if you want, I can subtract the 260+ lbs when Jesse left LOL). I feel good, and am doing good. I only dream of cheating.. literally. Last night I dreamed I was eating fried chicken and was feeling quite guilty about the carbs involved. But, in real life, I have no cravings for anything really. Now, it's more to eat to survive rather than eating emotionally. I mean, I ate breakfast at 6 am, ate some pork rinds early afternoon, and forgot to eat until a few minutes ago. I must have been eating emotionally quite a bit when I was with Jesse. that would explain the weight gain when we were together. Makes sense I guess.

I wouldn't mind watching a movie, but I'm tired. So, I think I'll watch the rest of cops, and then head off to bed.. read a book, and turn the electric blanket on :).

Friday 10/8/10

Today's been an exhausting day. I'm tired from work, it was stressful this week and I'm glad it's done. It was so tiring, I could literally fall asleep right now. Probably why this post won't be too long LOL.

A person at work totally pissed me off today, tried to throw me under the bus for something that I had no control over, when in fact his employees screwed up. It really really pissed me off LOL. Then he began to tell me how to do my job... but that's ok..I stood my ground and I got over it .. after a few hours LOL. He does it one more time, I'm going to have to have a talk with the department manager. This guy isn't even remotely in my chain of command and should not be talking to me in this way... or dictating me how to do my job.

I cut Jeffrey's mop today, he wanted a high and tight, but not too tight. I did an ok job. With his cut hair, I could've made a wig for someone. And he didn't even have long hair. Oh I wish I had his hair lol

We also had to go to Kohls to get him a shirt for the homecoming dance tomorrow. Thank god for coupons LOL. cheap cheap. Almost talked him into a red shirt.. he wouldn't have cared. He's so freaking skinny that you look at him sideways you can't see him. He swims in his old shirt.

He's off working tonight, but thank god that he's getting a ride from a friend. I'm too tired LOL.

Derrick's spending time alone in his room, and I'm trying to watch tv... but I'm soooo tired LOL. I'm trying to at least stay up until 830. I don't think I'll make it. I'm so old. But then again, keep going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4 will do that to you after a while.

So, see you all tomorrow!

Thursday 10/7/10

Beware of Ramblin' goin' on...

Work has been a pain.. stressful.. very stressful. I need a vacation. Alas, next days off are Thanksgiving and the day after.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, it's going to be interesting. I'll have to talk to my brother and see if he wants to bring his significant other for dinner. If not, it'll be just me and the boys. I'm not sure I really mind. I did like the family get together with Jesse's family. So, I've accepted that we'll be alone. Christmas, is going to be hell.. we have shutdown during this week (2 days), so that means a whole week off. And the boys are used to and love spending Christmas with Jesse's family.. they were family. So, no family, low to no finances.. so I don't know. I feel bad for the boys. I don't mind myself, but I do mind for the kids. Just another freakin thing I can get pissed at Jesse for. Loser with a capital "L". And yes, I stooped that low, because I wanted to. And it felt good.

Speaking of my brother, he said that since I have no ties left in Maine, I should move back to Texas. It is something to ponder. After the boys have graduated. Maybe. I don't know yet. At least it'll be warm there LOL. But, oh, the family drama LOL.

Speaking of kids, Derrick has had this rash for a while now. I keep thinking it's bed bugs.. but no bugs to be found. And it's just on his arms. He suggested that it might be his soap.. and I considered this. But to be on just his arms? Then I just had to ask.. do you just use soap on your arms?!? And he replied.. yes. OMG. Can you believe it? A 16 yr old only using soap on his arms? LOL.

Argh.

I haven't slept well in a few days. I'm hurting LOL. I'm not sure why. The other day, it was weird noises. It seems like someone was banging on the door, but no one was. Yesterday, it was rough even getting to sleep, then I woke up 45 min early.. hell I tell ya. I might take a pill tonight, I don't know.

Hell's kitchen is on, and I'm making a deconstructed stuffed cabbage meal. Yum. Oh, and btw, my feet are cold.

Wednesday 10/6/10

Man, the bad weather sure puts a bad mood on a person doesn't it? LOL

Work was rough today, but when isn't it? I didn't get to walk at breaks because it was cold and wet.. didn't even get my last break because I was in the middle of an audit.

I received some paperwork today on the divorce, and was going to list everything that was wrong with it... but instead, I'm going to hold it to my chest.. even though the thought of what was in it made me laugh. I mean, is he delusional or what? LOL. I'll have to talk to my lawyer when he gets back into the country.

Jeffrey's friend, who's car broke down the other day, broke down again today in my driveway, in a different car! He forgot to turn his lights off LOL.. so guess what.. in the pouring rain, I had to give him a jump. Poor kiddo.

It's cold in the house. I soooo want to turn the heat on, but I can't afford to fill the oil tank. literally. that will be a 4XX$ expense alone, and we have to fill that usually about 3 times a year. We have about half a tank left, so I hope that lasts for a while. I'm going to have to talk to my lawyer about this as well. I don't care that Jesse's paying a small portion of the mortgage and paying rent... he should've thought of that before he started messing around. Family comes first.

Tuesday 10/5/10

Work was, work.. too busy to think. Breaks I walked around the parking lot.. my legs are feeling it.

It's been a rather blah day today. Feeling kinda.. lost. Antsy. I really, really do not like this feeling. A mixture of being lonely and ADD LOL. Man, what a PITA. Ya, I know I'm giving Jesse too much power. But hell, can't help it. I personally hope (and pray) that he's feeling pain too.. because it's not fair if I'm the only one suffering.

Oh well, it will get better. Soon I hope.

Had to listen to Derrick today spout off all this useless trivia.. lol. That kid can remember everything he reads in terms of science/history, but can't remember to brush his teeth or put on deodorant.

I need a life.. anyone got one for free?

Monday 10/4/10

Nothing new and exciting today.

Work was long and busy of course.

Came home and one of Jeffrey's friends couldn't start his car, so I tried to give him a jump. But his car still wouldn't start. So, after about 10 min of jump starting his car and we removed the jumpers, his car started. Very weird. I'm not a car person.. so.

Made a good, unique dinner ala Carlie, and been watching tv.

No homework, no chores today.

I feel fine. I've been walking a lot at work at break times. My knees feel it, and I have a constant pre-charlie horse feeling in one calf muscle. Probably due to lack of potassium/magnesium. Should start taking vitamins again.. I hate pills. Either that or my body is rejecting exercise. It gets me alone and outside. There are times I need alone thinking time, even though I don't like to think certain thoughts. Sometimes it makes me even lonelier, and other times it's what I need to clear my head. The one thing that is reoccurring, and I would love to find an answer, is why would someone whose ex supposedly cheated on him would cheat on his next wife? Especially since he knows how it feels. What makes it ok to him? I don't understand it, and I probably won't. I probably will never get the answer, and I'm hoping one day that I won't need an answer.

Sunday 10/3/10

Boy, is fall in the air here. I had to pull out the thick socks this morning. It didn't help that I, out of habit, opened the back door to let air in then couldn't figure out why it was so cold in the house LOL. Freakin' blond moment from hell.

It was a pretty normal day.. cleaned some house, did my homework. Had to go shopping for a new set of clippers.. Jeffrey's mop broke the last one. This kid has a thick head of hair. I remember when he was a toddler and had little ringlets. Was quite often mistaken for a girl. It was so adorable :). I hated to cut those out lol.

We watched some netflix, and surfed me some web. Made an awesome roasted chicken with turnips.. which Derrick had to tell me was extremely bitter. Now we're watching America's funniest videos LOL. Idiots LOL.

It's going to be a good week. No physics classes until next Thursday. Except we have a take home test which I'm dreading.

I'm dreading Monday's at work. We're having an audit starting Monday to get our ISO re-cert. I hate audits.. I'm always involved. I always have to remember never to give out too much info LOL. I guess my predecessor gave way too much info out LOL.

I have no life.. I admit it. Isn't that the first step in the program? LOL

Saturday 10/2/10

Pretty uneventful day today.

Took Jeffrey to work then weekly grocery shopping. Watched Lovely Bones, pretty good movie but the book was better of course.

Now Derrick and I are watching clash of the titans. The original was better, but the main character in the newer one is hotter.

I got invited to another shindig with Debbie, but had to turn her down.. wanted to stay in, not to mention having to pick up Jeffrey at 10 kinda ruins the party spirit lol.

I feel.. kind of alone. I need to do social things, but not sure what, where, or with who. I am not much of a partier since I don't drink. Maybe I should take up chatting again. Although, I don't have a clue where to. Do people even chat anymore? LOL. If you know of any social things I can do, please feel free to let me know LOL.

I should do what Debbie does, and remodel the house. But since I can bet Jesse's going to be an ass about helping me keep the house, we more than likely will not be staying here. First, he fucks with my life by sleeping with another, then he's trying to take my home away from me. He's a loser to make someone else pay for his sexual indiscretions. I'm not really worried though... things are looking up for me.

Friday night

Work was, work. Very busy. Any more work at work and I'll have to get help. They won't like that LOL.

Went to a going away party tonight, for some of Debbie's friends.. that are from Denmark. They are such a hoot. I'm glad I got out. The drive there was hell, they live in the boondocks of Maine, where the woods surround you and no lights around. There's hills and valleys, and it was pouring and dark. I couldn't see when I was driving. I then discovered brights. Never had to use them before LOL. The drive back was dry and easier to deal with. I'm not good driving at night. I feel so old lol.

I realized something today. I'm kind of glad I'm getting a divorce. Now hear me out LOL. Jesse was not the man I married. Something changed in the course of the last 5 years, even before the ho. He was always angry and often such an asshole, especially in situations that no one has any control over. Then he would get mad at me for trying to defuse the situation. He was often mad at the boys, especially at Jeffrey, for things it wasn't worth getting mad at. He was mad at the kids for being teenagers. They are not bad kids, and never really have been bad. I mean, he would get angry if Jeffrey would ask for a ride to his friends house, and accuse him of having to drive him everywhere, when in reality, he was maybe driving him somewhere 2x's a week... in town no less. Then complained he had no free time, when all he had was free time.
I don't know what made him this way. I think he is depressed.

When he left, the kids became less stressed. Derrick has turned around in terms of his attitude for the most part, and in such a profound way even his teachers noted it. Maybe it was Jesse's lack of being able to deal with his own anger that got Derrick to be so angry.

It's one of those things you don't see until you step away and look at the relationship from another angle. I just wish he was man enough to do the right thing instead of sleeping around.
I wish he would have at least tried instead of running. He loves to run I noticed.

Debbie said she had a dream about me last night, that I lost all my weight and was looking good. She tells me that most of all of her dreams come true. So I need to stick to my diet and get to be a hot momma.

Well, it's 1040pm, and I've been up since 4. I'm exhausted. So chat you all up later.