Wednesday 11/3/10

I voted yesterday, did you?

Went to the poling place last night to vote.. when the voting person looked up my name, I saw Jesse's name and he put a different address down than where he actually lives LOL. One day his lying will bite him in the butt.

I'm doing ok. Woke up too early because I was having nightmares about this divorce... not because of Jesse himself, but what crap he will try to pull to make me look like the bad guy in this divorce. My feelings for him are now dead, I'm worried about finances now.

In terms of voting, it looks like we might have a republican as a governor. Who would'a thunk. Looks like the racino passed here in Biddeford, and the casino looks like it might pass as well.

Both boys are sick, they're coughing up a storm. I get to go out to dinner tonight with a girl friend... and tomorrow it seems like I will be feeding Jeffrey's new girlfriend LOL.

Other than that, and keeping busy chatting with someone and having fun, nothing much has happened. I got a 73 on my physics test (which I'm extremely happy with lol), and a B on my writing assignment lol. other than that.. nada.

Monday 11/1/10

Today was a good day.

I guess yesterday I forgot to blog.. well.. my mind was elsewhere.. well ok, on chat. I'm having quite fun. It's got my mind off things, and I've met some great guys. and a few girls. But more guys lol. They're great to chat with.. and make me laugh. Takes my mind off things. On the other side, it's hard to do homework LOL. I did get it done though.

I've gotten like 15 calls so far to go vote for their party. I hate that I registered in the first place LOL.

So, get out to vote tomorrow! lol

it's cold today. Makes me want to pick up and move south somewhere. or west. somewhere else.

Jeffrey's sick.. he was coughing pretty bad this morning to the point where he threw up. He hates to throw up. He was white as a sheet, and looked horrible when I came home. His g/f is supposed to come for dinner tomorrow, but that's going to have to be postponed.

My brother called me.. he says the docs did the biopsy and is 80% sure it was some infection fluid that hardened and not a growth. I hope so. I don't need to lose another brother.

My kids also decided that I am to make tamales for Thanksgiving day. It's going to be an interesting holiday.. since we'll be alone. but damn. i make some good tamales.

well, I'm off to go chat for like 5 for minutes before bed.

tootles.

Saturday 10/30/10

Today was a much better day. Took Jeffrey to work and then Derrick and I went to the new Trader Joes in Portland. It was so crowded, they had cops around showing where people can park LOL. Didn't get much.. some nuts.. their nuts are extremly cheap.. some cheese and 2 buck chuck (aka 2$ wine) lol. Just bought the pink one.. zinfedele or something like that. It was pretty color LOL. I don't buy wine, ever, or even really drink. but thought it would be cool to have a glass at night. Got it home, sat down.. wanted to try it.. but no cork screws LOL. Life sucks.

Jeffrey's got a new girlfriend. She seems nice, what little I've seen of her. She works where he does.. he refuses to date any Biddeford girls.. I guess they have a reputation. That's good. I'm way too young to be a grandma. he's got a friend staying over tonight.

other than that, not much. I started chatting with people on yahoo, and boy does that help. I meet some interesting people. I'm having fun. It helps me deal with things.. and gets my mind off the stbx. So, I am good.

Other than that, and a few chores, quite a boring day.

Friday 10/29/10

FML. Fucked up past year. All this shit in one year. First off, my brother died not too long ago. He was around 30 years old. He had cancer as a kid, and the chemo killed him later on in life. Then not much later, my grandfather died. He was a great guy. He left me and my brothers an inheritance, a really decent one, but we can't touch that until my father passes away and we're 40. Then just two months ago, Jesse fucked my life even more with his shit. Then today, my other brother went to the doctors because of pressure in his head and he can't hear in one ear. He had a MRI today, and they found something. They're doing a biopsy on a walnut size mass in his head near his ear. They're going through his ear to take the piece. That's on Monday. He wasn't going to tell me, but he came over today to write a letter he needed to print out. I bugged him about it, and he was writing a will. He doesn't want me there on Monday. It'll take a few days for him to get the results. I hope everything's going to be ok. God, my life sucks.

FML.

thursday 10/28/10

Today was a good day.

Going to have to create a huge program at work, where they might even have to hire another person to help me. This is going to be interesting. very interesting.

School is normal... i have to study my butt off this weekend.

Trader Joes opens tomorrow.. I'm going to go visit this weekend. They're good and cheap.

other than that, not a damned thing going on.

I rather like this this way. No life, but no drama either.

Wednesday 10/27/10

well well.. I almost forgot to post. Shame on me.

I had a good day.. went to the rest of the training.. and it clicked. Thank god.

other than that.. did nothing. I was worn out from the training, so no studying.

so, I will chat you up later :)

Tuesday 10/26/10

Today was a good day.

Drove to portsmouth and rode into mass. with my boss... boy he can talk lol. I came home and was brain dead. seriously. my brain can't handle anything else. Very interesting class, but jam packed with info. I'm scared about tomorrow... another full time of this stuff..lol. good that I get about 8 hours of overtime... and expenses.. money to put away to save towards xmas gifts. That time of the year is coming...

It's been a boring week.. so, I'm sorry I'm babbling. I have nothing going on.

so, on this note, I'll cya tomorrow.

Monday 10/25/10

It was a good day today. Work, had to get ready for my two days off.. well.. not technically 2 days off...I have to go south into Mass for two days with my boss for training. I'm glad to get those days off.

Other than that, did some homework, and doin some chattin online. I've missed it. Jesse used to get so pissed when I chatted... so, I gave it up for him. I am starting to meet people again... it's fun.

The kids are doing good. Jeffrey decided to meet a recruiter.. a marine. Not sure why.. I have yet to meet a normal marine... i thought I taught him better.. at least go AF.. they feed you better.

Other than that, a normal, boring day.

Sunday 10/24/10

Hello y'all.

Been a decent day. Didn't do much. Did homework.. puttered around the house. watched lots of tv.. and vegged. I needed it.

Derrick tried to mow the lawn, but didn't rake, and it was a little wet, so it stalled the lawnmower lol. He will try again when it's dry.

other than that, nada.

Pretty boring day LOL.

I could bitch about Jesse, but.. naw. I'm ok today.

Wet and dreary.. a good day to do nuthin.

Cya tomorrow :)

Saturday 10/23/10

Broken and forgotten?

Not too bad a pic for a cell phone eh? For some reason, this building with the clock tower has always intrigued me. I'm not sure why. It looks broken, but still, there has to be history behind it. Why is it just sitting there? It was an old mill.. Biddeford is an old mill town, with many mills sitting broken and forgotten. But, there's life in some of these mills... there's one on the island that is going to open up with apartments in them. I guess about 2/3rds of them will be for lower income residents, and the rest rented at market value. I would love to see them.

Today was a good day for the most part. Had to take Jeffrey to work, he's doing a double today. Went to trans market, which is an Asian market that sells really, really cheap produce. Bought some brussel sprouts (and burnt them for dinner...argh). It's quite an interesting store. I found unique items like dried lilly flower petals and crystal MSG. Drove home, then realized Jeffrey left his wallet in the car.. so I had to turn around and go back. Since he's doing a double, he's gotta eat..

On another note, Jesse texted me today.. amazed the shit out of me LOL. He got pissed that I sicked the oil company after him. The other day, the oil company automatically filled the oil tank, and the bill was nearly 400$. Of course, being in the situation that Jesse left me in, I couldn't afford to pay it. Since the bill was in his name, my lawyer said to call the oil company and give them his address/phone number. So I did. Gave him his number and his girlfriend's address. So, Jesse texted me saying the oil guy needs me to pay the oil bill. I told him per my lawyer, that since it's in his name, he's required to pay it. I told him he didn't realize how strapped for money I was. I told him he's going to have to pay it and that I can't. I told him I asked for his help, and he flat out refused. His response: i can't pay when you're getting 40% of the mortgage.. my "marital support" is your help, and that's 50% of my pay (bullshit), and I'm not paying for oil I don't use.. Of course, I called him out on this crap.. I told him that he brings home 1200+ a month. His rent is 250. His mortgage payment is 450. he pays 60$ on phone. He's living with his girlfriend, so that leaves approx. $500 a month to play with. I told him he can afford it. I then told him that I know his bills (I've done all the financial crap for us since we got together, and unless he lied on his financial paperwork...) and told him to call the oil company up and set up a payment plan. His response? That he will do it this ONE time and I'll have to find another oil company.
What a loser LOL. Wanna compare bills? having a home is more than just paying the mortgage. But of course Jesse would know this if he would've ever given up the excuse that he's "numbers dyslexic" and helped out with the finances... or any type of paperwork period.
He's being a jerk. Well, that's fine. keep being one. It'll catch up to him soon.

I think what pissed me off about this whole situation, is the fact that Jesse is supposed to be this upstanding Christian guy, when in fact he's an ass. Just take a look (if he doesn't erase it when I post this.. it was there the other day LOL) at his interests on facebook .. he likes "a woman that doesn't have to rely on a man's paycheck to survive". Of course, I have to rely on his help.. he put us in this situation. He wanted this house, and I did all the work to get us in this house, for the same reason why he couldn't ever do our finances... all he had to do was sign on the dotted line, which he was quite happy to do so. He knows for a fact (I've told him this several times) I can't afford to live here and pay all the bills on my own.. but does he care? No. He's always just cared about what he wants... it was always about him. It still is.

Sorry about the rant. I do feel better. At least it's getting less frequent.

Friday 10/22/10

Sorry folks for the window's picture.. I wanted to take a pic today, but I forgot my camera and was kinda busy.

It was a VERY Very good day. Mainly because it's Friday! LOL. Among a few other things.. I've laughed quite a bit today.. LOL...

Work was good... glad it's the weekend.

Took Jeffrey to work, went to AT&T and found out that people with smartphones are having phone issues.. I guess the huge thunderstorm yesterday took out a cell phone tower. So, those with regular phones are ok, but those with smartphones here are screwed up for the moment. I'm now getting phone calls/sending calls, so we'll see if it's fixed. I hope so lol

Took Derrick grocery shopping.. it was dead at walmart. spent below budget for the week on groceries, which is good. I've got every penny accounted for until February. Very little money left over. If something happens, I'm basically screwed lol.

But, that's ok. I see good things in the future.

Things happen for a reason, as people are finding out. I know there's a reason.. one of these days I'll find out what the reasons were. Debbie's favorite word, and word of the day: Karma. It's starting to show it's little head... and tomorrow, I hope she gets her karma. It's starting girl friend :) good luck tomorrow!

Thursday 10/21/10

It was a normal, regular, run of the mill day LOL.

I nearly had a heart attack, my phone wouldn't take calls or send calls.. so I had to borrow Derricks.. but it had to be charged.. so i had to borrow Jeffreys but he had a coronary. I doubt that boy has ever had his phone away from his side ever. I think the battery was way low.. the charger must've stopped working. I have it hooked up to the computer and it seems to accept/send out phone calls now.. whew. crises averted.

Other than the phone situation, all is normal around here.

yep. SNAFU.

I'm tired.. might hit the hay early tonight. One more day thank goodness.

Wednesday 10/20/10

Today was a better day. I don't know what happened yesterday. Stress and lack of eating probably. I had such a headache when I got home. I received some paperwork from lawyer that I started to fill out, then these sharp stabbing pains hit. I started dinner for the boys, then the smells made me sick. I turned off dinner, made Derrick put the food away, let them fend for themselves for dinner, and went to bed. I slept from about 630pm yesterday until 4am this morning. I was a little woozy from the headache yesterday, but was fine. Damn migraine. Thank god I don't get them often.

Work was good.. after work took Jeffrey to go sign up at the Y to use their facility. He's going to join the high school swimming team. another expense. argh.

Tried to do some online homework, but couldn't concentrate. I'll be doing it this weekend.. it's not like I have a life LOL.

I heard that the Rangers are kicking Yankee's ass. Good. You go home team! you can take the girl out of Texas, but never the Texas out of the girl....

Tuesday 10/19/10

I have a migraine. I have a large headache and feel like I'm going to get sick, probably due to the stress and the lack of food since 4am LOL. I'm cooking dinner then off to bed. cya.

Monday 10/18/10

Things aren't what they seem...

I should've known what kind of day it was going to be when I got to lunch and realized it was the 18th and not the 19th.. know how many labels I had to change?! It wasn't pretty. Other than that, work was fine.

I got home and there was a surprise in my mailbox. It literally put me into tears. I'm still upset about it. I won't go into detail about it, because of who reads my blog, but they'll find out about it soon enough I suppose. But, I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I can't afford anything extra. I turned in my coin jar to take the boys out this past weekend. I can't afford anything.. and this "surprise".. I can't pay it. If I pay this, I can't pay the mortgage. I called my lawyer, but he's out of town until Wednesday. I don't know what I'm going to do. I did my budget all the way up until Feb, and I don't have any extra income for this. I hope my lawyer can fix this. Well, technically, it wasn't really a surprise.. I knew it was coming, I was hoping to put it off for at least another month or so.

Because of this, I now have a serious headache. I'm tired and exhausted. I need to stay up for at least another hour in order to keep my body clock ok.

Sunday 10/17/10

Life growing amidst death.

I'm rather amazed I'm still getting flowers when it's been this cold lately. They're far and few though. The Delilahs are just about done.. I planted those this spring, and boy, the flowers were the size of saucers. Huge. And bright pink. I loved them.

Today was a good day. Jeffrey had a friend over for the night, so we took him home.. and I took the boys out for Chinese buffet. Saved my change (plus a coupon) for a while to take them out, and boy was it a mistake. TinTin buffet has gotten bad. Nasty. I thought the boys loved the place, but they thought I loved the place, when in fact I haven't liked it in a while LOL. 40$ for lunch. I was pissed. If I had known ........ LOL.

We went to go see the movie Red. Jeffrey got Derrick in free. I liked what I saw/heard. The sound died in the movie with in 30 minutes. So, we got a rain-check. Since Jeffrey can get one of us in for free.. it's like I got an extra ticket free. So, we might go see the movie again next weekend or something. Derrick wants to go see the new jackass movie, but I'm in no way interested in adults acting dangerously stupid.

We then went over to my brother's for dinner. He's having man issues. His new man is getting on his nerves. I hope he doesn't settle. There's a shortage of good men in Maine. He's going to come over for dinner tomorrow.. I'm making a pulled pork dish.. it's good. Just throw in some pork loin, a jar of salsa verde, some onions/garlic.. and cook away in a crock pot. yummo.

Other than that, a pretty good day :)

Saturday 10/16/10

Look at those colors.. aren't the gooorgeous? Fall has hit in a hard way recently here on the coast of Maine. Very breezy and cold lately. Rain has stopped, and the basement is soaked. Taking forever for the dehumidifier to get the water out of the basement LOL. I hope it hurries, I don't want to rack up the electric bill any more than it already is.

It was a good day. Was going to go to a cookout, but it was canceled, so we went to the mall instead. Did a lot of window shopping. I love smelling the different perfumes.. some of them make me wonder how in hell they ever sell LOL.

I decided not to go out tonight.. I'm tired and feel just like vegging in my pajamas. We didn't do much of anything today.. I watched a movie (Valentine's day) and played around with my makeup and decluttered a little in the bedroom.

Tomorrow is going to be busy.. the usual housework, homework, we're going to the movies (to see Red), and my brother invited us to dinner.

Speaking of my brother.. he was walking to the store and passed by Jesse's girlfriend's house (where he's living). He said he saw Jesse sitting on the porch alone, looking quite like the lost puppy... sad and alone. I guess he was rather surprised to see my brother walking by. But, Jesse must've forgotten, my brother lives around the corner. I want to say good, he deserves it, and I hope he's suffering bad. But, I want to think I am better than that. Sometimes I know I am not. I am human, and I have feelings and emotions. And I am allowed these feelings. I hope he is. He's missing out on a good family. The boys are good kids. He will never be able to have kids of his own, so I feel sorry for him... I really do. He threw away a good thing. Maybe one day he'll realize this.

Friday 10/15/10

I love this video.. there are times I want to act like she does here, but I have no guts LOL.

TGIF.

Weird day, everything was screwing up at work... but still had a good day.

Went grocery shopping tonight, to have Saturdays free now.

Jeffrey's at work, and I'm home watching Project Runway...

Living life at it's fullest? LOL. Well, for me, at this moment, I guess it is.

Thursday 10/14/10

Heyo everyone...

A second good day in a row.. wow.. a trend maybe? LOL
One could hope.

Had physics class after two weeks being off.. boy, I do like the time off from school LOL.

Not much today.. I'm cold and watching Hell's Kitchen. Great show. Tired, back aches, and cramps.. but I'm all good. I rather have these types of days versus those where I worry.

my social calendar is opening up.. Saturday I'm hanging out with friends at lunch, then maybe out on Saturday night (haven't made up my mind yet...), dinner Sunday night with my bro.. and seeing if I can get Jeffrey to get us in to the movies free to see Red.. both me and Derrick wants to see this movie.

It looks like it's going to storm pretty good tonight.. I love rainy days. As long as I stay dry lol.

Wednesday 10/13/10

hey yo's..

I'm doing good today.. work was good. I'm glad it's hump day though. I'm ready for the weekend.

It's chilly in here today, made a big pot of chili for dinner. It was great.

I completed, to the best of my ability (god knows how much ability I have LOL) to do my physics homework/test. I need to pass.. I don't care if it's a c, as long as it gets me to the next level. I need to get this school done... along with other things in my life. I'm ready.

I'm now watching America's Next Top Model. I don't know why I love these types of shows.. I never been one for fashion or beauty growing up. I was always the tomboy. I never really wore makeup until the past few years.. I'm not sure what started me doing make up and watching these shows. I want to say it had something to do with my relationship with Jesse, but I don't know for sure. Maybe it's a start in finding who I am? For years, the kids and Jesse were who I was. Jeffrey will be leaving with in the year, and Derrick (hopefully lol) in the next few years.. then who will I be? It's time to find who I am. I never knew who I was.. right out of tech school in the military, I got pregnant. Married, had two kids, divorced, then not too long after, I met Jesse... never had time to be myself, to create friends for myself, or even date really. I was worried too much about the kids.

I am excited about trying to find who I am... and terrified at the same time.

Tuesday 10/12/10

Hello my lovelies...

It's been a good day today. Of course, not much happened LOL. I got invited to a friend's house for lunch Saturday, and out on Saturday night.

I want to do some crafty stuff with all my clay, but I can't seem to bring out the creative side of me. I don't know why. That's a lie, I do know why.. but I wish it wasn't. Being creative would help things out. I miss doing clay... Maybe I'll try this weekend. It would help if I had a dedicated space. The little corner in the kitchen isn't space enough. I wish I could trash all of Jesse's crap in the room upstairs and take over that area.. but lugging all that craft stuff of mine would be tiring.

I should also study more.. but ya. see above. Anything that requires any involvement of my brain is kaput and has been for about 2 months now.

Oh well. Things will get better. It better.

Monday 10/11/10

I was fine today, great actually, at work. Then I got home. I started painting a piece of furniture, then I started to think. Me and thinking do not mix well these days.

Thoughts I am pondering, and I know I shouldn't... but how in hell do I stop?!

1. What's the latest Jesse is telling his friends? Is he playing the victim card again? He has no right to. I haven't really thought of this again until today. First, I wasn't paying attention to him or the kids, then it was I was insecure with myself and making these stories up about him cheating. I know I shouldn't worry about it, I don't run in the same crowds as Jesse does.. but it still hurts.

2. How in hell am I going to afford the winter months? I'm afraid to turn on the heat because I can't afford the heating bill, and I know for a fact Jesse will whine about not able to afford to help out with an oil bill (bullshit..). It's already cold out, and I'm tired of being cold.

3. And why is so many people that aren't friendly with me reading this blog (yes, I have IP tracking)? Why is Jesse's mom, his sister, his brother in law, his new girlfriend, Jesse himself, a friend or two of his,reading my blog? Are they hoping I will fuck up in some sort of way and that it'll give them rope to hang me with? Or are they sick and like to see my pain? I did nothing wrong to these people. Their son/brother/friend hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray our wedding vows. Hell, I was even willing to work on the marriage (even with his cheating)before he started lying to his friends/family. He needs some help. If anything comes of this, I hope you all can talk him into seeing a counselor, he's very depressed. A myriad of things come to mind why: his weight, guilt, male issues, and his mother issues.

4. I want to move on.. I need to. But I can't. I'm living in a place where I can't afford to heat, I have no spending money to even get the boys a hamburger from a fast food joint. I can't even get my oldest his senior pictures because of how Jesse screwing me over. I want to move on, I want to get out of this house. I rather like this house, but I can't afford it. I refuse to have anything to do with selling it. I put in all the work into getting this house because this is the one Jesse wanted. I did the legwork, I did the paperwork.. I refuse to put in any legwork into selling this place. I will. That is non-negotiable. I put a lot of time and sweat into getting this place. All he did was sign his name. literally. Let Jesse do something on his own for once in his life.

5. Why do I still feel this way? Why is there still pain? I'm tired of it.. so tired of it. I know I'll have good days and bad days, and after 230pm, today was one of those bad days LOL.

If you don't like what I write, then feel free to click that little x at the top right hand side of the browser window, because this blog is for no one else but for me, me and my growth.

I feel better getting this out.

Sunday 10/10/10

10/10/10.. special for some people I guess. I hear many couples are getting married today.. I guess 10/10/10 is better than 6/6/06 LOL.

Didn't do much today, other than usual cleaning. Tried my hand at making coconut shrimp.. it wasn't the best LOL. I think it was because I used un-sweetened coconut.

Tomorrow's a furlough day at work.. and I'm still going in. I wanted to take the furlough day as well, but I have so much work to do. Not to mention, I need the money. I need some time off. Big time. I think I have some vacation time, not sure how much. I'll have to investigate LOL.

Jeffrey's at work, and Derrick went to bed.. where I'll be going soon. Probably read some and fall asleep LOL. 4am comes quickly nowdays. Oh, I made this cool video on youtube:

if you have a youtube account, you can create your own.. it ain't hard.

Saturday 10/9/10

Jeffrey's senior year homecoming. He's the bald one on the right. Ya, the tall and lanky one. Why oh why couldn't I get the skinny gene? blah. Sorry the pic is blurry, I didn't realize it when I took the photo, and I only took one pic. I'm a bad mommy for only taking the one LOL. He's going with a date, but they're only friends... and she's meeting him at the dance. My baby's last homecoming LOL.

Nothing new and exciting today.. other than the fact this is the first day I totally feel like my normal self. I started to feel it yesterday as well, even with the bullshit at work. I feel myself smiling more and talking more often. People are noticing it as well.

I woke up early, after 8 hours of sleep (yay!).. did laundry, waited for Jeffrey to get up so I can take him to work, and Derrick and I went shopping. Other than that, nada. Oh well.

I did get to be the shoulder of a friend when they needed to vent, when it's usually me who's doing the venting. It felt good to help out.. I hope everything turns out ok for her. She's had a shitty life these past few years.

So far, it's been about two months since I've been dieting, and I've lost 40lbs (if you want, I can subtract the 260+ lbs when Jesse left LOL). I feel good, and am doing good. I only dream of cheating.. literally. Last night I dreamed I was eating fried chicken and was feeling quite guilty about the carbs involved. But, in real life, I have no cravings for anything really. Now, it's more to eat to survive rather than eating emotionally. I mean, I ate breakfast at 6 am, ate some pork rinds early afternoon, and forgot to eat until a few minutes ago. I must have been eating emotionally quite a bit when I was with Jesse. that would explain the weight gain when we were together. Makes sense I guess.

I wouldn't mind watching a movie, but I'm tired. So, I think I'll watch the rest of cops, and then head off to bed.. read a book, and turn the electric blanket on :).

Friday 10/8/10

Today's been an exhausting day. I'm tired from work, it was stressful this week and I'm glad it's done. It was so tiring, I could literally fall asleep right now. Probably why this post won't be too long LOL.

A person at work totally pissed me off today, tried to throw me under the bus for something that I had no control over, when in fact his employees screwed up. It really really pissed me off LOL. Then he began to tell me how to do my job... but that's ok..I stood my ground and I got over it .. after a few hours LOL. He does it one more time, I'm going to have to have a talk with the department manager. This guy isn't even remotely in my chain of command and should not be talking to me in this way... or dictating me how to do my job.

I cut Jeffrey's mop today, he wanted a high and tight, but not too tight. I did an ok job. With his cut hair, I could've made a wig for someone. And he didn't even have long hair. Oh I wish I had his hair lol

We also had to go to Kohls to get him a shirt for the homecoming dance tomorrow. Thank god for coupons LOL. cheap cheap. Almost talked him into a red shirt.. he wouldn't have cared. He's so freaking skinny that you look at him sideways you can't see him. He swims in his old shirt.

He's off working tonight, but thank god that he's getting a ride from a friend. I'm too tired LOL.

Derrick's spending time alone in his room, and I'm trying to watch tv... but I'm soooo tired LOL. I'm trying to at least stay up until 830. I don't think I'll make it. I'm so old. But then again, keep going to bed at 9 and waking up at 4 will do that to you after a while.

So, see you all tomorrow!

Thursday 10/7/10

Beware of Ramblin' goin' on...

Work has been a pain.. stressful.. very stressful. I need a vacation. Alas, next days off are Thanksgiving and the day after.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, it's going to be interesting. I'll have to talk to my brother and see if he wants to bring his significant other for dinner. If not, it'll be just me and the boys. I'm not sure I really mind. I did like the family get together with Jesse's family. So, I've accepted that we'll be alone. Christmas, is going to be hell.. we have shutdown during this week (2 days), so that means a whole week off. And the boys are used to and love spending Christmas with Jesse's family.. they were family. So, no family, low to no finances.. so I don't know. I feel bad for the boys. I don't mind myself, but I do mind for the kids. Just another freakin thing I can get pissed at Jesse for. Loser with a capital "L". And yes, I stooped that low, because I wanted to. And it felt good.

Speaking of my brother, he said that since I have no ties left in Maine, I should move back to Texas. It is something to ponder. After the boys have graduated. Maybe. I don't know yet. At least it'll be warm there LOL. But, oh, the family drama LOL.

Speaking of kids, Derrick has had this rash for a while now. I keep thinking it's bed bugs.. but no bugs to be found. And it's just on his arms. He suggested that it might be his soap.. and I considered this. But to be on just his arms? Then I just had to ask.. do you just use soap on your arms?!? And he replied.. yes. OMG. Can you believe it? A 16 yr old only using soap on his arms? LOL.

Argh.

I haven't slept well in a few days. I'm hurting LOL. I'm not sure why. The other day, it was weird noises. It seems like someone was banging on the door, but no one was. Yesterday, it was rough even getting to sleep, then I woke up 45 min early.. hell I tell ya. I might take a pill tonight, I don't know.

Hell's kitchen is on, and I'm making a deconstructed stuffed cabbage meal. Yum. Oh, and btw, my feet are cold.

Wednesday 10/6/10

Man, the bad weather sure puts a bad mood on a person doesn't it? LOL

Work was rough today, but when isn't it? I didn't get to walk at breaks because it was cold and wet.. didn't even get my last break because I was in the middle of an audit.

I received some paperwork today on the divorce, and was going to list everything that was wrong with it... but instead, I'm going to hold it to my chest.. even though the thought of what was in it made me laugh. I mean, is he delusional or what? LOL. I'll have to talk to my lawyer when he gets back into the country.

Jeffrey's friend, who's car broke down the other day, broke down again today in my driveway, in a different car! He forgot to turn his lights off LOL.. so guess what.. in the pouring rain, I had to give him a jump. Poor kiddo.

It's cold in the house. I soooo want to turn the heat on, but I can't afford to fill the oil tank. literally. that will be a 4XX$ expense alone, and we have to fill that usually about 3 times a year. We have about half a tank left, so I hope that lasts for a while. I'm going to have to talk to my lawyer about this as well. I don't care that Jesse's paying a small portion of the mortgage and paying rent... he should've thought of that before he started messing around. Family comes first.

Tuesday 10/5/10

Work was, work.. too busy to think. Breaks I walked around the parking lot.. my legs are feeling it.

It's been a rather blah day today. Feeling kinda.. lost. Antsy. I really, really do not like this feeling. A mixture of being lonely and ADD LOL. Man, what a PITA. Ya, I know I'm giving Jesse too much power. But hell, can't help it. I personally hope (and pray) that he's feeling pain too.. because it's not fair if I'm the only one suffering.

Oh well, it will get better. Soon I hope.

Had to listen to Derrick today spout off all this useless trivia.. lol. That kid can remember everything he reads in terms of science/history, but can't remember to brush his teeth or put on deodorant.

I need a life.. anyone got one for free?

Monday 10/4/10

Nothing new and exciting today.

Work was long and busy of course.

Came home and one of Jeffrey's friends couldn't start his car, so I tried to give him a jump. But his car still wouldn't start. So, after about 10 min of jump starting his car and we removed the jumpers, his car started. Very weird. I'm not a car person.. so.

Made a good, unique dinner ala Carlie, and been watching tv.

No homework, no chores today.

I feel fine. I've been walking a lot at work at break times. My knees feel it, and I have a constant pre-charlie horse feeling in one calf muscle. Probably due to lack of potassium/magnesium. Should start taking vitamins again.. I hate pills. Either that or my body is rejecting exercise. It gets me alone and outside. There are times I need alone thinking time, even though I don't like to think certain thoughts. Sometimes it makes me even lonelier, and other times it's what I need to clear my head. The one thing that is reoccurring, and I would love to find an answer, is why would someone whose ex supposedly cheated on him would cheat on his next wife? Especially since he knows how it feels. What makes it ok to him? I don't understand it, and I probably won't. I probably will never get the answer, and I'm hoping one day that I won't need an answer.

Sunday 10/3/10

Boy, is fall in the air here. I had to pull out the thick socks this morning. It didn't help that I, out of habit, opened the back door to let air in then couldn't figure out why it was so cold in the house LOL. Freakin' blond moment from hell.

It was a pretty normal day.. cleaned some house, did my homework. Had to go shopping for a new set of clippers.. Jeffrey's mop broke the last one. This kid has a thick head of hair. I remember when he was a toddler and had little ringlets. Was quite often mistaken for a girl. It was so adorable :). I hated to cut those out lol.

We watched some netflix, and surfed me some web. Made an awesome roasted chicken with turnips.. which Derrick had to tell me was extremely bitter. Now we're watching America's funniest videos LOL. Idiots LOL.

It's going to be a good week. No physics classes until next Thursday. Except we have a take home test which I'm dreading.

I'm dreading Monday's at work. We're having an audit starting Monday to get our ISO re-cert. I hate audits.. I'm always involved. I always have to remember never to give out too much info LOL. I guess my predecessor gave way too much info out LOL.

I have no life.. I admit it. Isn't that the first step in the program? LOL

Saturday 10/2/10

Pretty uneventful day today.

Took Jeffrey to work then weekly grocery shopping. Watched Lovely Bones, pretty good movie but the book was better of course.

Now Derrick and I are watching clash of the titans. The original was better, but the main character in the newer one is hotter.

I got invited to another shindig with Debbie, but had to turn her down.. wanted to stay in, not to mention having to pick up Jeffrey at 10 kinda ruins the party spirit lol.

I feel.. kind of alone. I need to do social things, but not sure what, where, or with who. I am not much of a partier since I don't drink. Maybe I should take up chatting again. Although, I don't have a clue where to. Do people even chat anymore? LOL. If you know of any social things I can do, please feel free to let me know LOL.

I should do what Debbie does, and remodel the house. But since I can bet Jesse's going to be an ass about helping me keep the house, we more than likely will not be staying here. First, he fucks with my life by sleeping with another, then he's trying to take my home away from me. He's a loser to make someone else pay for his sexual indiscretions. I'm not really worried though... things are looking up for me.

Friday night

Work was, work. Very busy. Any more work at work and I'll have to get help. They won't like that LOL.

Went to a going away party tonight, for some of Debbie's friends.. that are from Denmark. They are such a hoot. I'm glad I got out. The drive there was hell, they live in the boondocks of Maine, where the woods surround you and no lights around. There's hills and valleys, and it was pouring and dark. I couldn't see when I was driving. I then discovered brights. Never had to use them before LOL. The drive back was dry and easier to deal with. I'm not good driving at night. I feel so old lol.

I realized something today. I'm kind of glad I'm getting a divorce. Now hear me out LOL. Jesse was not the man I married. Something changed in the course of the last 5 years, even before the ho. He was always angry and often such an asshole, especially in situations that no one has any control over. Then he would get mad at me for trying to defuse the situation. He was often mad at the boys, especially at Jeffrey, for things it wasn't worth getting mad at. He was mad at the kids for being teenagers. They are not bad kids, and never really have been bad. I mean, he would get angry if Jeffrey would ask for a ride to his friends house, and accuse him of having to drive him everywhere, when in reality, he was maybe driving him somewhere 2x's a week... in town no less. Then complained he had no free time, when all he had was free time.
I don't know what made him this way. I think he is depressed.

When he left, the kids became less stressed. Derrick has turned around in terms of his attitude for the most part, and in such a profound way even his teachers noted it. Maybe it was Jesse's lack of being able to deal with his own anger that got Derrick to be so angry.

It's one of those things you don't see until you step away and look at the relationship from another angle. I just wish he was man enough to do the right thing instead of sleeping around.
I wish he would have at least tried instead of running. He loves to run I noticed.

Debbie said she had a dream about me last night, that I lost all my weight and was looking good. She tells me that most of all of her dreams come true. So I need to stick to my diet and get to be a hot momma.

Well, it's 1040pm, and I've been up since 4. I'm exhausted. So chat you all up later.

Exhausted

When I made this blog, I made it a priority to write something down once a day. I find it's very therapeutic, even if I can't stand to write. Ironic ain't it? Even if nothing happens, I'm going to write.

It's the calm before the storm.. I guess we're supposed to get some bad rains tonight until tomorrow. The basement is going to get wet... argh.

The cat is having an argument with a neighborhood cat at the back door. He's got the wimpiest voice I've ever heard from a male anything. He is rather a hoot though for the most part. He runs from one side of the living room, jumps on the coffee table and slides to the end knocking everything off the table. He definitely proves Newton's law of physics.

I slept almost all night last night, woke up once to go potty... and then had a rough day at work. For some reason, tons of stuff came up due in one day. It was very very tiring. I also had to do a quick training class for the maintenance/engineering peeps. I hate talking in front of anyone. I got to the point and left it at that.

I was supposed to go to a wedding reception tonight, but I never heard back from my brother. I called him twice, and no response... not that I really mind since I'm tired.

Poor Jeffrey though, got Derrick's cold. I just hope I don't get it.

I'm watching hell's kitchen and having a great time being alone.

Today..

What a boring life I lead.

Work was busy, as usual. I was approved for training in Boston by Mitutoyo at the end of October, on how to calculate measurement uncertainty. It's a two day course.. seems.. interesting. Any way that can condense thick calculus into a very easy package is a-ok in my book. My first real non-military calibration training. LOL. I'll be missing a day of school though.. well worth it. Not to mention I don't have to be at work for two days, and I still get paid :).

Tomorrow my brother is putting on a wedding and a reception for his room mates. I can't attend the wedding due to work, but I will be able to go to the reception after work. My brother wants me to get out because he knows I'm still a little depressed. And, honestly, I am. Maybe one day I will feel normal. At least I haven't cried in a while LOL. People at work are commenting on my unhappiness. I'm usually one that will smile and be somewhat happy.. but for people to tell me to cheer up.. it's hard LOL. One of these days... I'm getting there.

Jeffrey's working a double at work Saturday, maybe I'll get him to let me and Derrick in for free to watch a movie.. or at least one of us. Get us out of the house. If Debbie's free, I'll go harass her sometime this weekend.

Random thoughts..

It has not been a bad day.. rather.. blah. Wet, drizzly, doesn't make for a happy disposition LOL.

I miss Debbie at work, she was a hoot.. thank goodness we're friends outside of work. Like I said in my last post, Karma's a bitch. People will get their dues.. one of these days girl, you will be avenged!!!! LOL.

Not really much to post today.... I know Jesse should be taken off to DC for his grandfather's trip soon. I was debating emailing him asking him if he needed luggage to take with him, but I was talked out of it. I was wanting to be a nice person, but as I was reminded, I wasn't treated very nicely by him. I guess it all goes back to the fact that if he wanted out so badly, he didn't have to cheat to get his wish. I can handle hate, I can handle indifference.. I have an issue with cheating. I'm not sure exactly why.. maybe because those that are cheated on usually end up with a bad self image at the end. They start out by blaming themselves. They have a feeling that their cheating is their fault.. maybe there was something that could have been done? Then they usually end up questioning their ability to attract their partner. Then comes the hate/anger, then the mourning. It's like a death.. you need to go through these stages. I'm going through these stages, I'm at the pissed/anger stage at the moment.

Here's the thing, and it's easier said than done.. it's not our fault. It's the person who's cheat's fault. I did nothing wrong. I know this, but still.. it's painful.

He can deny everything that he wants to, I know the truth.

Ahuh..

Yeah, I gotta love it when people underestimate me. I'm not dumb, nor will I accept anyone's stupid idea of what they THINK is fair and just. Just because they have the ability to think doesn't mean that their thinking pattern is correct. Things will happen, and not in their favor. Especially when you lie to make yourself look better. KARMA is a bitch. Remember that.

There's a couple of situations recently that the last statement can apply to.

Ok, had to get that off my chest LOL. I feel good. I had a good day.. had people at work complementing me on my weight loss. That felt really good.

Derrick had a great IEP at school. His attitude, for the most part, has turned around quite a bit. He's mellowed out, doing what he should be, and is almost a model student. There are a few things that need to be worked on, but for the most part, he's doing good. Especially since we've been going through the divorce. He's doing better since the divorce. It's like Jesse was a wet blanket on his life, holding him down.. even the teachers noticed it. I had to tell them that he's not allowed to get info/tell info from the school about Derrick.. just in case.

On another note, it's freaking freezing today, wet and cold. Almost makes me want to turn the heat on, until I remember what last year's oil bill was LOL

Off to go do physics homework. Wish me luck.

What's up here?!

Yesterday it was freakin hot here in the boondocks of Maine, and today, it's freakin cold. Doesn't make sense to me. It looks like it's going to pour.

I actually slept 8+ hours today, the first time in more than a month. I feel rested and relaxed. I still woke up at 6am tho.

I kept busy since then.. doing the floors, cleaning living room.. even went to cvs for some needed items. Now, I'm trying to get the gumption to do homework.

I am preparing to do a paper on how whether or not education should be in the hands of locals, or run by feds/state government. I'm not sure how I like this critical writing course.. then again, I don't like writing period. My worst subject is writing. I really sux at it. I still have to do physics too.... oh well.

Jeffrey's going to a USM open house today with his friend, Pat. I believe he's going into architecture or engineering. I work with a lot of engineers (been an engineer tech before).. and they're nuts LOL. He's very good at drafting and he's got a talent for it. I think he's debating going into USM Orino, or maybe starting at SMCC then transferring.

Derrick's not feeling well.. I think he's got that nasty cold going around. he's laying around wrapped in a blanket sleeping in the recliner. He's coughing up a storm poor kiddo.

I'm doing good today.. I might take the boys out to eat tonight, since we haven't done anything at all since the "event" happened.

I really should get back to homework..argh.

By the way, the readership is going up.. so Hi to all new people, and Yo to all the regular readers.

Today...whew

Boy is it warm today LOL. I'm turning into a damned yank. Argh.

I'm glad I posted this morning. It helped immensely. I'm glad these days are getting easier to deal with. I know I shouldn't care about what people say about me, but my skin is thin these days. I personally think we both (Jesse and I) should shut the fuk up, but I don't see that happening. We're both hurt and lashing out. I keep hearing there's no right and wrong in this type of situation, just varying shades of what is right and what is wrong. I'm still at the stage where I think that's bullshit.. maybe one day I'll forgive him and move on.. but probably not until this divorce is settled. And with the courts laying off people and being short staffed, it won't happen anytime soon. I really don't mind it taking so long honestly. It gives me time to become emotionally stable.. because neither one of us are.

It's rather warm out today.. had to do some grocery shopping. I need to do some homework, but ain't feeling it just yet. I did some cleaning this morning along with some laundry.

The cat is driving me insane.. he keeps following me everywhere like a lost puppy. I swear he's going to be the death of me. Derrick's taking care of Jesse's fish amazingly enough. He says he's just bored LOL.

I need to pack Jesse's stuff, but I don't feel like it. I kinda wish he would just come here and get it all. I would love to de-clutter and throw out a lot of stuff, but my lawyer put in a stipulation to the divorce response that neither one of us can get rid of anything, give anything, sell anything, or spend anything other than what it takes for us to survive. Which is a good thing I guess..

I guess I'm feeling afraid that Jesse's going to get away with out having to help with the debts and what he's agreed to do.. I know he's fighting it. And I know I'm being irrational when it comes to these things. I know he can't get out of it. I won't let him. Things would be much simpler and quicker if things would just go like we planned them to when he first left. It sure in hell would've been a lot cheaper for both of us.

I've never been one on writing blogs.. I do read them quite a bit.. my google reader probably has 2k different blogs on them. But, due to my recent events, it sure does help in terms of therapy. And a lot cheaper too.

Insecure?

I am not insecure about myself. I know exactly what's going on in my life.

I'm kind of hoping this divorce goes the way I'm thinking it will, because what happened in our marriage will become public knowledge. And his friends/family will then know what type of person Jesse really is.

I'm thinking it will go this route, because Jesse's very stubborn and 'thinks' he's in the right.. he's telling his friends lies to make himself look good, and me the bad person.

I might not be the perfect person, but I will not allow Jesse to make me look like the bad person in this relationship. I know it takes two people to create a marriage, but it only took one person to stick his little member into a well used hole... and that wasn't me. And that's what hurts the most I think, him telling everyone that our marriage breakup is all my fault. Our marriage problems could've been worked on if given a chance, but he decided to screw another woman. Even I could've handled that, if given chance and time... but he started to spread lies about me. I can't deal with that. I know that's harsh, but his betrayal was even more devastating.

He is far from being the victim in this relationship.

What a day today...

Work was rough today.. a life system that should've taken me maybe a half day, took a whole day, which put me behind on everything else.. which is rough, because that's going to put me behind on Monday... which I have to go in early because Derrick has an IEP at school.. argh.. way way too early.

My brother called, he was upset because he might lose his apartment.. the landlord is selling the place, so he's up in the air..

Debbie, a good friend at work was just laid off from work.. two women there were harassing and tag teaming her to get her fired. It was rather sad that adult people would act like two year olds. Rather pathetic if you ask me. I heard more are coming down the line. I'm worried, but not too much so.. I feel somewhat secure in my job due to the nature of my job. It is often good to be the only one in that field in a company.

I was invited out tonight with some friends, it was fun.. probably too much fun :P. Well, not too much cause I have to pick up Jeffrey from work tonight sometime. One of these days I'll get him driver's ed when this mess with Jesse is over with.

Some friends were talking about trying to get me to start to date again. I told them that I don't want to date yet.. I need to take care of myself for once. I have given myself to my kids and my husband, it's time for me for once.

An odd day..

It's been an odd day, not sure how to take it, so excuse my ramblings. They do make sense, at least to me.. and right now, I'm the one that counts :P.

First, got all the way to work and realized I left my physics class books at home. Luckily, I arrive pretty early enough I had enough time to run back home to pick them up. Not to mention that we didn't get through a whole section in class today... they were sidetracked by a situation going on between pulling a wire that has current running through it, through a force... interesting, but I'm not as smart as they are... so I couldn't follow as deeply as what they were discussing. Of course, I'm also the only female LOL. Thank goodness the prof. is a woman.

Then, early this morning (6am) there was what seemed to be a dead guy on the side of the road in the woods at work.. come to find out it was someone that passed out drunk and was sleeping it off.. the guys threatened him with calling the cops if he didn't leave LOL.

A couple of things failed at work today, not my fault, but it was highly unusual.

Maybe it's the weather? I don't know.

I'm feeling quite.. alone. I miss having an adult to talk to.. I mean, I talk to my friends all the time, but it isn't the same.

I did notice one thing today though, is Jesse ever going to be able to survive on his own? I mean, he was still married (although separated) when we hooked up, and he hooked up with another woman before we were ever thinking about divorcing.. is he ever going to be able to survive on his own with out a woman behind him in some sort of fashion? Maybe he needs to.

I admit, I was depressed after divorcing my first husband.. It was rough. I was in a new area, knew no one. Raising two kids with no support from anyone. I was depressed and felt alone. I was divorced from my first husband for 3 years (I think.. I don't try and remember something if I don't have to lol) before I met Jesse. He came at a great time. I don't regret marrying him, but I wish he would've handled this situation better.

I really don't want to do the dating scene. I was never one for the bars, and I'm way too shy to go the .com route. I don't know.. maybe I'll be alone for a very long time LOL. I hope not. Being alone isn't fun.

What a good day...

I told myself this morning that I will have a good day.. and I did.

I had a great day.

Work is busy, as usual.

Went to south portland to get some paperwork, and then to the mall to ogle some girly things. I wasn't able to buy anything due to my situation now, but it was fun to window shop.

I'm tired.. slept most of the night.. woke up two or three times but forced myself back to sleep.

I'm thinking Jesse must've gotten my response to the divorce by now. And probably isn't happy. Probably really pissed LOL. Oh well.

I'm glad I have options now... when I thought I had none.

What a hoot today was.

I haven't had a good belly laugh in a long time. Today, Jesse provided it. Thank you so much Jesse, I needed it.

Yesterday, I don't know what happened, something got screwed up with my att account.. I don't know what happened... I haven't signed in via my computer since before Jesse left, so I'm thinking that he must've gotten on my computer (which isn't unheard of, we both had access to both computers) and tried to look up the account using his phone #. Or, maybe something happened. I don't know. Well, I tried to sign in on my account last night to pay the bill.. and it kept saying my password was wrong. I thought maybe I changed my password with out remembering since I've been changing passwords to everything lately.. but on the third try it said I was locked out for an hour. While reading the lockout message, I saw that it had Jesse's number on it. I then used my number and got onto my account. I emailed him telling him I'm not sure what happened, that somehow I locked his account temporarily for an hour. I apologized (still have the email...), and meant it.

Fast forward to this morning... I was on break checking my email on my phone, and Jesse responded.. telling me that it was funny how that happened, and that somehow the email from att telling him that his web account was frozen for an hour was erased.. (with a big emphasis on the HMMMMMMMM...)

Get this.... ready now??? LOL.. he accused me of hacking his email account!!!!! O.M.G. I nearly died laughing. Hell, I can't even figure out how to reset my computer, much less hack into an email account. I'm kind of honored that he would think I'm that technologically smart.... and the fact that I'm able to read his mind in determining what his password is LOL. He probably erased it himself, or maybe that g/f of his? I don't know, nor really care.

I'm thinking he's very paranoid and acting quite delusional.

Why in hell would I do that, much less how??? I know he THINKS I "hacked" into his facebook account, but in reality, I didn't. I logged into his facebook account, with a password that he provided. Our computers were centrally located and not password protected. And, only that one time. That one time, I got lucky. Any other times that he "thinks" I hacked into his computer are completely ludicrous.

I can also bet, knowing him as I do, that he "thinks" I'm stalking him, because I saw where he lives with his girlfriend the other day... Hell, I pass by that apartment every day just about LOL.

It would be interesting to see what he posts about me on facebook.. and how many paranoid/delusional thoughts he has about me LOL, but he's afraid to let me see.

Which made me wonder why would someone be so paranoid? Insecurities? Guilt?? Who knows? I don't really care. I think it's a hoot that he thinks this.. it just shows how much help he needs mentally... I even told him when he left he needs to keep going to counseling while he still has insurance. As far as I know, he hasn't been going. He really, really needs some help.

But again, I thank you again Jesse for a great laugh. I feel better.

On another note, I found my itouch. I lost in about 2 or 3 weeks ago.. couldn't find it anywhere. Unfortunately, I lost it outside. It must have slipped out of my purse. It doesn't work anymore. Rest in peace cheap itouch :(

But gawd, what a great day.

Getting one's groove back

I've been doing good since yesterday morning's breakdown LOL. Now, I'm "getting my bitch on" as Debbie would say. I turned in my financial paperwork, and let my lawyer know some stuff.. and he let me know some stuff, now I feel extremely better. I now have hope. I will get through this.

I don't care if this divorce takes a year, I have all the time in the world. Unlike others (Jesse), I don't have another person waiting in the wings for me. I just want what was promised to me.

Paperwork

Gawd, I hate paperwork.

Got the financial info in the mail from my lawyer. I have to list debts and assets. Realized we have tons of debts, but little of value in marital assets, other than the 3 computers (jesse's 2, and my laptop) and the cars lol. The furniture isn't even worth much total. The yard/household tools. Other than that, nada lol. Lots of little things. But I don't have to list the little things. Unless I'm sitting on a gold mine and I don't know it. I doubt that one big time LOL. Now I'm just waiting on paperwork to prove debts. I have it for my school loans and mortgage, just waiting on the medical. Then, this divorce will get real fun (sarcasm inserted here lol).

On another note, my hair's driving me insane. I can't wash it until Tuesday morning.. it feels icky LOL. I forgot how much a pita a perm is.

Took my first sleeping pill today.. I hope it works. It would be nice to sleep in till 4am LOL.

Painting...

I painted the doors of the house a little lighter blue. They were a mint green. It looks a lot better. I have to paint the trim white again, since I messed up the paint a little. I would've loved to do a brighter color on the front door, but since there's a screen, it wouldn't be seen. So, I made them blend into the house. It looks rather good if I say so myself.

I would love to repaint/sand down the bathroom.. but since I don't know what my situation will be in the next few months, I'm not sure I want to start something I won't be able to finish. Right now, the way/color it's painted, looks like someone finger painted the bathroom walls with poop lol. The floor also needs to be replaced, the tiles are all cracked. The previous owner didn't lay the tiles down right.

I would also love to replace the floor in the kitchen.. the linoleum, no matter how much I scrub, always look dirty.

It would also be good to remove the carpet from the living room. the green color seems off place in this house. It doesn't help that the hallway color is a cheap blue carpet LOL.

I need to clean out Jesse's craft room.... I was debating making that a bedroom, but there wouldn't be much room for my bed LOL. I can see myself trying to wake up, standing up, and wham! My head against the wall. I guess I could use it as a place to study. That desk would be great to use to study on... and I wouldn't have to worry about being distracted.

The work would take me forever to do, but would keep me occupied.

I think..

I think I'm going to start packing Jesse's stuff up. I'm going to pack the stuff up as I get boxes from work. I have a few already. I don't know where I'll store the stuff though. Maybe I'll try and make room in the shed, since the basement is very damp. I offered several times for him to come get his other stuff, but he won't talk to me. Maybe this will help me with my emotions.

I wish...

I wish I knew how to get over this.
I wish I knew how to make things alright.
I wish I could stop crying.
I wish I could move on.
I wish I could concentrate on school.
I wish I could sleep.
I wish I could stop hurting.
I wish I had energy.
I wish I could socialize with out the worry of breaking out in tears.
I wish things were back to normal.
I wish I didn't have to worry.
I wish not to be jealous of my husband being able to move on so quickly after nearly 11 years.
I wish he loved me as much as I did him.
I wish to not have headaches any more.
I wish to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the bills next month.
I wish to not have to cry in front of my friends at work.
I wish I didn't want my husband back, even after what he did to me.
I wish I was a stronger person.
I wish I wasn't so depressed.
I wish I could not cry in front of my boys.
I wish I could stop crying right now.
I wish .... I wish for a lot of things.

But, like I've been told many times growing up: Wish in one hand, shit in the other.. see which one fills up faster.

This one's for you Jesse

Why is Jesse so nasty to me?

That is a good question. I asked myself that the first day I found out about his affair. I mean, he told his girl friend he couldn't stand being near me that day, but, he couldn't stand to be away from me. He laid on my lap for most of the day, loving being babied. He spent quite a bit of time with me.. him on me. I never forced him anywhere near me. He was quite willing. And this is what is the most confusing and hurtful to me I think.

As for his nastiness? I think it has to do with me not backing down and letting him run away scott free. Nothing came up in our marriage about not being happy until after The Affair started. He never gave us a chance to work on things. I think, honestly, that if I didn't find that chat, we would still be here together... him having the best of both worlds. I honestly think this.

I bet he's still telling his friends/family that it's all my fault. He even posted on facebook that It was all my fault. Granted, I wasn't the model housewife, but!! no one deserves having their spouse break their wedding vows to be faithful to each other. I mean, he didn't even give us a chance to even go to counseling, to work on things. This alone proves to me that his affair has nothing to do with me and all to do with him.

I can bet you (because I know Jesse) he's extremely pissed about this blog. I am telling the truth on this blog. I need a way to express myself. Or, is it that only jesse's allowed to express his feelings to everyone?

Also knowing Jesse, I have a feeling he's not going to help with the taxes due or the mortgage here soon. He probably thinks I'm a horrible, nasty, crazy person who doesn't deserve help. Jesse knows better. He knows who I am. I have kids to support, and a house to put together that he crumbled, and a heart to somehow sew back together. How, after nearly 11 years, he would think something like this of me? It hurts that he would even consider me to be this way.

I also don't understand, him being a libertarian, can't understand that I need the freedom to express myself? He knows I haven't lied in this blog. He knows that I have proof to back things I say. Why can't he admit it to himself?

It hurts me to know that he's being this way. I've been with him so long that it still hurts to know that something's not right. Even after what he did to me. I tried to be amicable to him. I really tried. But, how can I be anymore when I hear things that he's saying to his friends about me? I only told one friend about what happened, until he started posting on facebook on how much of a terrible wife and mother I was. That hurt bad. I did everything for those boys and for him. Even before we were married, and he had no job, I supported him. I supported everything he's done. Maybe I held my feelings in, but that doesn't excuse what he's done. It could've been worked on.

I am not being nasty. I am hurt. But because my being hurt makes him look bad, I'm being nasty. Am I not allowed to voice my pain??? He won't speak to me, he won't help me out in terms of the bills WE BOTH occurred. Yes Jesse, that means both YOU and ME. Not just ME. In the marriage, what you earned was OURS. What I earned was OURS.
I can't afford to pay off everything myself. That is because we were together and had both of our incomes together and lived in a style that fit the both of us together. You left, and left me with the bulk of everything. That is not fair. And, knowing you, you're wanting to not own up to this. If it takes a judge to get you to help me out until the divorce is final, then let it be so, and since you've been through this before with your first ex, you know what the judge is going to say.


This is for you Jesse, since you won't talk to me, but I do know for a fact you're reading my blog.

Its rather funny..going by to pick up my bro, and around the corner from him was jesse and his gf on the porch. I stopped and waved. he had a great oh shit look.

Wanna know something funny? I just saw jesse's car.. He's not staying with his friend, rather he's with his girlfriend on union st LOL. So much 4 not cheating.

Cats.. argh

Was going to post another post this morning, but decided to first take a shower and start laundry. When I got back, somehow, the cat decided he wanted to delete my last post lol. Damn cat. Not sure how he did it. He is a rather heavy cat and I guess I'm lucky I still have the blog period.

On a good note, since I started this diet ( I think I started mid Aug?).. I lost 33lbs, and have gone down two sizes. I iz proud... of course, I believe the divorce is helping along the weight loss since I'm losing my appetite quite often these days. I just wish I could sleep.

My bro is coming over today to perm my hair.. I told him he has free reign, as long as he doesn't make me look like fuzzy wuzzy.

It's going to be a good weekend.

Doctors

I hate doctors, and my doctor knows that I'm not comfortable around them... so, needless to say, I don't go unless I really need to. I went today to get tested for STDs. The poor guy, I couldn't stop crying. He was pretty good about it, considering he's a friend of Jesse. He went on to explain that he's Jesse's friend and my friend as well, and if I felt uncomfortable that he would help me find another doc. I told him that I have no issues with him and would rather keep someone I know. I told him the whole story about what happened. He had me do a pee test today, and in December I get to do the lovely blood work.. since it takes 6 months for HIV to show up. And since Jesse's been sleeping around since June (at least that's what he told me.. god knows how long it actually has been), that's the time to do it. So, my Christmas gift this year will be blood work. yay. The poor guy, he had to watch me cry. And then I burst in tears again with the receptionist LOL. I've think I've cried more this month than I have in my life. God knows why.

EDITED: I've made up my mind.

I hate what Jesse has made me become. I hope he's proud.

I was just propositioned by a woman to "go black" and go out with her and her man to the 50's pub lol and she'l introduce me to some real men lol o.O

Why is Maine so assbackwards?

Visited my lawyer today, feel much better about my situation. Although, I was a little distraught when he told me that it can take from 6 months to a year to get divorced. eek. I have almost gotten to the point to where I don't cry at every mention of the situation... I start to, but it's getting easier to reign my emotions in. Luckily enough, the guys at work are rather nice about it. I think it's more to do with me being young enough to be their daughter LOL.

I moved from the quality lab area and into the engineering room (I'm still in quality, but the red headed stepchild of the department.. and for some reason they think this is a match, in a room full of engineers. It's like putting a mouse in front of a cat.. they eat quality people up whole). The guys like to gossip (probably more so) than the women in the lab. They're a hoot though, and easy to get along with.

6 months to a year? wow.

Good friends are out there..

I'm glad to have good friends out there that listen to me, to view what I view, to make sure I'm not losing it in terms of what's going on. It's always good to get a second opinion on things, especially by those who have been through the same thing as you're going through. They are the ones that lift your spirits and make you feel like there is hope out there. The road will be hard, but it will even out in the end.

Where's Debbie and her word of the day? LOL

PS. Hi all the regular readers :).. what few there are LOL.

Slander...

Slan·der /ˈslændər/ Show Spelled[slan-der]

a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.

It ain't slander if you aren't lying.

Why you ask?

I am doing this blog for no one but myself. I'm thinking for myself for once. I need a way to figure out things, and this is helping me. I do not lie. I have proof for everything I post. If this hurts feelings, then please, stop reading. I am not doing this to hurt anyone, I'm doing this to fix the hurt that was done to me.

And I refuse to feel guilty for doing this either.

Slander anyone?

Jesse was told by his friend who was looking at my facebook that I blogged about him. He went on facebook and said I slandered him. I texted him and asked him what I was lying about, and he couldn't answer me. i told him I would remove all lies if he could point them out. I have texts
to prove this. All he could come up with was that he wanted me to remove them and that it made me look like I never did wrong. Far from it. When in fact he's been telling everyone that I didn't pay any attention to him or the kids, instead of him committing adultery. So, who's slandering whom?

Eh. ya. whatev.

I'm tired, and need sleep. I have a test tomorrow in classical mechanics. I'm not ready. I haven't studied (except for today...). This crap with Jesse has fudged my thinking. Especially when it comes to physics. I know I'm going to fail this test. Thank god that the teach allows a retake of a test at the end of the semester.

I don't know how I feel today. I feel.. blah. I wanted to go for a walk, but it was raining... ok, it was cold and sprinkling. I didn't want to go really.

On another Jesse note, a few months ago, friends/family received an anonymous private message through facebook saying that I was a ho and liked it up the rump basically (in condensed form) and slept around. I'm 100% sure it was Jesse doing it to me. He brought it up again during this last fight, saying I had a "guilty" look when he mentioned it. LOL.. I haven't had time to breath much less screw with another person. This wasn't the first time he messed with my head. Before I moved up to Maine with him (I was still living in NH and we were moving quickly..), a person online was stalking me. Knew everything about me, what stuff was in my car, knew my kids, and threatened me with harm via the internet. Freaked me out. I went to Jesse's house over the weekend, and went on his computer to check my email. I just took the computer out of sleep mode, and guess what: His email was up, and guess what the email addy was? The dickhead who was stalking me. Jesse was the stalker. I remember confronting him about it, and he said he was afraid of the relationship and how fast it was going. I don't remember what my response was unfortunately. He does things to intentionally hurt people mentally and emotionally, and yet claims to be a counselor and a christian.

I think I'm more afraid of losing my home. I haven't heard from my lawyer in about a week and a half. I had to scrimp up and beg for help to pay for this lawyer, when Jesse gets to ask mommy and daddy for the money. I'm going to have the lawyer get Jesse to pay for his fees. He left me with all the bills. He refuses to even pay the agreed upon mortgage payment.. which isn't evenly divided up like it should be.

Oh, and he's still talking to the ho LOL. Probably still sleeping with her too.

Oh well, his loss.

This is blogging is actually helping LOL

My life as of now

Let's start this out by giving a snapshot of my life. I'm in a bad place right now, and hoping that this blog will help me in expressing my feelings and thoughts and getting me out of this slump I'm in.

I'm married, been married for 5 years now to Jesse Kiesel, and been with my husband for almost 6 years before marriage. He raised the my boys like they were his own. We met online when I was living in New Hampshire. He was a good guy, a christian, and treated me quite well.

It started to change when, before we were married, I found him chatting online with some women, and looking at porn. I got mad of course, and he stopped. I loved him, and got over it in my own way.

We were an old married couple, with our problems. We were growing apart, but I thought (stupidly I know...) that that's what married people do. He was always on the computer, chatting with friends and looking up with stuff. In the morning he was on the computer after waking. When I came home, he was on the computer up until we went to bed. Even when he wasn't on the internet, he was on his computer all the time.

There was a point I had to work 2 jobs to keep our family fed, and after we were married, Jesse talked me into going back to school. So, I started. I was going to school full time and working full time. Because of his computers and my school/work, we grew apart... but that doesn't mean I didn't love him and wanted to work on things. I thought he was happy in what he was doing. He never said a word.. so how was I supposed to know he wasn't happy?

Fast forward to three weeks ago. Out of the blue, Jesse got upset, and said I never paid any attention to him. We weren't close, that I "changed" since we got together. I said ok, lets work on it then. We both put down the computers, spent time together. We made a point to spend an hour or two after work and before bed together, alone. We put plans in to do weekly dates together, just the two of us.

Well, we went to walmart one day to do grocery shopping, and for some reason, Jesse had a fit. I asked him, if all this was due to another woman. He said no. I should've paid attention to my intuition. I know when Jesse's lying. He gets this look. And he had that look when I asked him. But, I didn't pay attention. We took a walk to get out of the house. When we got home, the first thing he did was pick up his computer and logged onto facebook. Well, I knew his facebook passwords, and logged in at the same time he did.... and boy, did I find out some information.

I was reading his chats with this woman Michelle Pellitier (or however you spell it). Jesse has always claimed that she was a friend from when he worked at port resources, when he was still married to Lindsay (or however you spell her name). They were close then. But, he swore up and down that they were just friends and he was "helping" her out with her computer. Well, I was watching him chatting with her (believe me, I have a copy of this chat), and the next thing I know, he was telling her he couldn't stand to be near me, that all he wanted to do was be with her. He "really" needed to see her after his "counseling" appointment that Monday.

I confronted him about this. He said he hasn't loved me for years, he didn't even want to marry me. He's been having an affair with her since June. he had a thing for her during his last marriage. I wanted him to either leave or give her up. He choose to leave.

We just bought a house in Nov., and we have no equity in this house whatsoever. He signed an agreement that when he received his inheritance, that he would help me out so I could stay in the house. I have two kids, both in high school, and one that is about to graduate. I can't change schools on him now. There are no decent apartments that I can afford, especially since he left me with all the bills. He's only paying a small portion of the mortgage. He's not even paying rent, but somehow, I'm supposed to pay everything, alone. So, I'm going to hold him up to the signed contract as much as I can.. or at least my lawyer will.

I'm hurt. I've offered him several times to go to marriage counseling, and to forgive him for cheating on me. I know I ain't the best wife, but I did NOT deserve what he did to me. He supposedly a Christian. He's what gives Christians bad names. He never gave me a chance. Now, he's mad at me. ME? What in hell did I do? He cleaned out the bank accounts, and left me with the mess.

I'm depressed, I can't sleep, having a hard time eating, not concentrating at school.. 3 weeks and I'm depressed. I'm restless, can't stop crying. I'm not a sociable person, so I don't have many people to talk to... and the worst thing? He gets to live the free life. No worries, no stress.. nothing. He gets to screw with this woman while I hurt.

I have to go to the doctors Friday, to make sure that I don't have an STD. And the worst thing? My doctor is his friend. Wanna know how embarrassing this is for me?

Even more so, he's telling his friends that I'm at fault. I never paid attention to him or the kids or the family. Bullshit. I've worked two jobs, going to school while working full time, doing housework, and cooking. He says he does all the work at the house. When was the last time he vacuumed? dusted? mopped? cooked? cleaned?

The boys are handling it quite well. Derrick, my youngest (16), told me he wasn't surprised. Whenever I was at work, he was gone from the house all the time. It's great that he flaunted this affair in front of my kids.

Sad thing is, that I was willing to forgive and go to counseling.

Now, he's in a hurry to get me to sign. He's worried that I can touch his inheritance. Well, he needs to get into the real time and realize how much debt we're in, between school loans and the house. I might not be able to touch it, but he has the ability to now pay.

Because he left me with all the bills, I have no way to save money for an apartment or to even move. I can't afford first/security deposit. I can't afford anything.

And Jesse doesn't give a shit. He thinks it's all about him. His life, his money, his things. Not ours, it never was about "us" it was always about "him".
He is a selfish bastard that hurt me, and doesn't care that he has.

If you never loved me, then why in the hell did you marry me? Why in hell did you want to buy this house (and yes, this was your idea)? Why in hell aren't you up late/early crying your eyes out?

What is wrong with wanting answers? I need them.