Exhausted

When I made this blog, I made it a priority to write something down once a day. I find it's very therapeutic, even if I can't stand to write. Ironic ain't it? Even if nothing happens, I'm going to write.

It's the calm before the storm.. I guess we're supposed to get some bad rains tonight until tomorrow. The basement is going to get wet... argh.

The cat is having an argument with a neighborhood cat at the back door. He's got the wimpiest voice I've ever heard from a male anything. He is rather a hoot though for the most part. He runs from one side of the living room, jumps on the coffee table and slides to the end knocking everything off the table. He definitely proves Newton's law of physics.

I slept almost all night last night, woke up once to go potty... and then had a rough day at work. For some reason, tons of stuff came up due in one day. It was very very tiring. I also had to do a quick training class for the maintenance/engineering peeps. I hate talking in front of anyone. I got to the point and left it at that.

I was supposed to go to a wedding reception tonight, but I never heard back from my brother. I called him twice, and no response... not that I really mind since I'm tired.

Poor Jeffrey though, got Derrick's cold. I just hope I don't get it.

I'm watching hell's kitchen and having a great time being alone.

Today..

What a boring life I lead.

Work was busy, as usual. I was approved for training in Boston by Mitutoyo at the end of October, on how to calculate measurement uncertainty. It's a two day course.. seems.. interesting. Any way that can condense thick calculus into a very easy package is a-ok in my book. My first real non-military calibration training. LOL. I'll be missing a day of school though.. well worth it. Not to mention I don't have to be at work for two days, and I still get paid :).

Tomorrow my brother is putting on a wedding and a reception for his room mates. I can't attend the wedding due to work, but I will be able to go to the reception after work. My brother wants me to get out because he knows I'm still a little depressed. And, honestly, I am. Maybe one day I will feel normal. At least I haven't cried in a while LOL. People at work are commenting on my unhappiness. I'm usually one that will smile and be somewhat happy.. but for people to tell me to cheer up.. it's hard LOL. One of these days... I'm getting there.

Jeffrey's working a double at work Saturday, maybe I'll get him to let me and Derrick in for free to watch a movie.. or at least one of us. Get us out of the house. If Debbie's free, I'll go harass her sometime this weekend.

Random thoughts..

It has not been a bad day.. rather.. blah. Wet, drizzly, doesn't make for a happy disposition LOL.

I miss Debbie at work, she was a hoot.. thank goodness we're friends outside of work. Like I said in my last post, Karma's a bitch. People will get their dues.. one of these days girl, you will be avenged!!!! LOL.

Not really much to post today.... I know Jesse should be taken off to DC for his grandfather's trip soon. I was debating emailing him asking him if he needed luggage to take with him, but I was talked out of it. I was wanting to be a nice person, but as I was reminded, I wasn't treated very nicely by him. I guess it all goes back to the fact that if he wanted out so badly, he didn't have to cheat to get his wish. I can handle hate, I can handle indifference.. I have an issue with cheating. I'm not sure exactly why.. maybe because those that are cheated on usually end up with a bad self image at the end. They start out by blaming themselves. They have a feeling that their cheating is their fault.. maybe there was something that could have been done? Then they usually end up questioning their ability to attract their partner. Then comes the hate/anger, then the mourning. It's like a death.. you need to go through these stages. I'm going through these stages, I'm at the pissed/anger stage at the moment.

Here's the thing, and it's easier said than done.. it's not our fault. It's the person who's cheat's fault. I did nothing wrong. I know this, but still.. it's painful.

He can deny everything that he wants to, I know the truth.

Ahuh..

Yeah, I gotta love it when people underestimate me. I'm not dumb, nor will I accept anyone's stupid idea of what they THINK is fair and just. Just because they have the ability to think doesn't mean that their thinking pattern is correct. Things will happen, and not in their favor. Especially when you lie to make yourself look better. KARMA is a bitch. Remember that.

There's a couple of situations recently that the last statement can apply to.

Ok, had to get that off my chest LOL. I feel good. I had a good day.. had people at work complementing me on my weight loss. That felt really good.

Derrick had a great IEP at school. His attitude, for the most part, has turned around quite a bit. He's mellowed out, doing what he should be, and is almost a model student. There are a few things that need to be worked on, but for the most part, he's doing good. Especially since we've been going through the divorce. He's doing better since the divorce. It's like Jesse was a wet blanket on his life, holding him down.. even the teachers noticed it. I had to tell them that he's not allowed to get info/tell info from the school about Derrick.. just in case.

On another note, it's freaking freezing today, wet and cold. Almost makes me want to turn the heat on, until I remember what last year's oil bill was LOL

Off to go do physics homework. Wish me luck.

What's up here?!

Yesterday it was freakin hot here in the boondocks of Maine, and today, it's freakin cold. Doesn't make sense to me. It looks like it's going to pour.

I actually slept 8+ hours today, the first time in more than a month. I feel rested and relaxed. I still woke up at 6am tho.

I kept busy since then.. doing the floors, cleaning living room.. even went to cvs for some needed items. Now, I'm trying to get the gumption to do homework.

I am preparing to do a paper on how whether or not education should be in the hands of locals, or run by feds/state government. I'm not sure how I like this critical writing course.. then again, I don't like writing period. My worst subject is writing. I really sux at it. I still have to do physics too.... oh well.

Jeffrey's going to a USM open house today with his friend, Pat. I believe he's going into architecture or engineering. I work with a lot of engineers (been an engineer tech before).. and they're nuts LOL. He's very good at drafting and he's got a talent for it. I think he's debating going into USM Orino, or maybe starting at SMCC then transferring.

Derrick's not feeling well.. I think he's got that nasty cold going around. he's laying around wrapped in a blanket sleeping in the recliner. He's coughing up a storm poor kiddo.

I'm doing good today.. I might take the boys out to eat tonight, since we haven't done anything at all since the "event" happened.

I really should get back to homework..argh.

By the way, the readership is going up.. so Hi to all new people, and Yo to all the regular readers.

Today...whew

Boy is it warm today LOL. I'm turning into a damned yank. Argh.

I'm glad I posted this morning. It helped immensely. I'm glad these days are getting easier to deal with. I know I shouldn't care about what people say about me, but my skin is thin these days. I personally think we both (Jesse and I) should shut the fuk up, but I don't see that happening. We're both hurt and lashing out. I keep hearing there's no right and wrong in this type of situation, just varying shades of what is right and what is wrong. I'm still at the stage where I think that's bullshit.. maybe one day I'll forgive him and move on.. but probably not until this divorce is settled. And with the courts laying off people and being short staffed, it won't happen anytime soon. I really don't mind it taking so long honestly. It gives me time to become emotionally stable.. because neither one of us are.

It's rather warm out today.. had to do some grocery shopping. I need to do some homework, but ain't feeling it just yet. I did some cleaning this morning along with some laundry.

The cat is driving me insane.. he keeps following me everywhere like a lost puppy. I swear he's going to be the death of me. Derrick's taking care of Jesse's fish amazingly enough. He says he's just bored LOL.

I need to pack Jesse's stuff, but I don't feel like it. I kinda wish he would just come here and get it all. I would love to de-clutter and throw out a lot of stuff, but my lawyer put in a stipulation to the divorce response that neither one of us can get rid of anything, give anything, sell anything, or spend anything other than what it takes for us to survive. Which is a good thing I guess..

I guess I'm feeling afraid that Jesse's going to get away with out having to help with the debts and what he's agreed to do.. I know he's fighting it. And I know I'm being irrational when it comes to these things. I know he can't get out of it. I won't let him. Things would be much simpler and quicker if things would just go like we planned them to when he first left. It sure in hell would've been a lot cheaper for both of us.

I've never been one on writing blogs.. I do read them quite a bit.. my google reader probably has 2k different blogs on them. But, due to my recent events, it sure does help in terms of therapy. And a lot cheaper too.

Insecure?

I am not insecure about myself. I know exactly what's going on in my life.

I'm kind of hoping this divorce goes the way I'm thinking it will, because what happened in our marriage will become public knowledge. And his friends/family will then know what type of person Jesse really is.

I'm thinking it will go this route, because Jesse's very stubborn and 'thinks' he's in the right.. he's telling his friends lies to make himself look good, and me the bad person.

I might not be the perfect person, but I will not allow Jesse to make me look like the bad person in this relationship. I know it takes two people to create a marriage, but it only took one person to stick his little member into a well used hole... and that wasn't me. And that's what hurts the most I think, him telling everyone that our marriage breakup is all my fault. Our marriage problems could've been worked on if given a chance, but he decided to screw another woman. Even I could've handled that, if given chance and time... but he started to spread lies about me. I can't deal with that. I know that's harsh, but his betrayal was even more devastating.

He is far from being the victim in this relationship.

What a day today...

Work was rough today.. a life system that should've taken me maybe a half day, took a whole day, which put me behind on everything else.. which is rough, because that's going to put me behind on Monday... which I have to go in early because Derrick has an IEP at school.. argh.. way way too early.

My brother called, he was upset because he might lose his apartment.. the landlord is selling the place, so he's up in the air..

Debbie, a good friend at work was just laid off from work.. two women there were harassing and tag teaming her to get her fired. It was rather sad that adult people would act like two year olds. Rather pathetic if you ask me. I heard more are coming down the line. I'm worried, but not too much so.. I feel somewhat secure in my job due to the nature of my job. It is often good to be the only one in that field in a company.

I was invited out tonight with some friends, it was fun.. probably too much fun :P. Well, not too much cause I have to pick up Jeffrey from work tonight sometime. One of these days I'll get him driver's ed when this mess with Jesse is over with.

Some friends were talking about trying to get me to start to date again. I told them that I don't want to date yet.. I need to take care of myself for once. I have given myself to my kids and my husband, it's time for me for once.

An odd day..

It's been an odd day, not sure how to take it, so excuse my ramblings. They do make sense, at least to me.. and right now, I'm the one that counts :P.

First, got all the way to work and realized I left my physics class books at home. Luckily, I arrive pretty early enough I had enough time to run back home to pick them up. Not to mention that we didn't get through a whole section in class today... they were sidetracked by a situation going on between pulling a wire that has current running through it, through a force... interesting, but I'm not as smart as they are... so I couldn't follow as deeply as what they were discussing. Of course, I'm also the only female LOL. Thank goodness the prof. is a woman.

Then, early this morning (6am) there was what seemed to be a dead guy on the side of the road in the woods at work.. come to find out it was someone that passed out drunk and was sleeping it off.. the guys threatened him with calling the cops if he didn't leave LOL.

A couple of things failed at work today, not my fault, but it was highly unusual.

Maybe it's the weather? I don't know.

I'm feeling quite.. alone. I miss having an adult to talk to.. I mean, I talk to my friends all the time, but it isn't the same.

I did notice one thing today though, is Jesse ever going to be able to survive on his own? I mean, he was still married (although separated) when we hooked up, and he hooked up with another woman before we were ever thinking about divorcing.. is he ever going to be able to survive on his own with out a woman behind him in some sort of fashion? Maybe he needs to.

I admit, I was depressed after divorcing my first husband.. It was rough. I was in a new area, knew no one. Raising two kids with no support from anyone. I was depressed and felt alone. I was divorced from my first husband for 3 years (I think.. I don't try and remember something if I don't have to lol) before I met Jesse. He came at a great time. I don't regret marrying him, but I wish he would've handled this situation better.

I really don't want to do the dating scene. I was never one for the bars, and I'm way too shy to go the .com route. I don't know.. maybe I'll be alone for a very long time LOL. I hope not. Being alone isn't fun.

What a good day...

I told myself this morning that I will have a good day.. and I did.

I had a great day.

Work is busy, as usual.

Went to south portland to get some paperwork, and then to the mall to ogle some girly things. I wasn't able to buy anything due to my situation now, but it was fun to window shop.

I'm tired.. slept most of the night.. woke up two or three times but forced myself back to sleep.

I'm thinking Jesse must've gotten my response to the divorce by now. And probably isn't happy. Probably really pissed LOL. Oh well.

I'm glad I have options now... when I thought I had none.

What a hoot today was.

I haven't had a good belly laugh in a long time. Today, Jesse provided it. Thank you so much Jesse, I needed it.

Yesterday, I don't know what happened, something got screwed up with my att account.. I don't know what happened... I haven't signed in via my computer since before Jesse left, so I'm thinking that he must've gotten on my computer (which isn't unheard of, we both had access to both computers) and tried to look up the account using his phone #. Or, maybe something happened. I don't know. Well, I tried to sign in on my account last night to pay the bill.. and it kept saying my password was wrong. I thought maybe I changed my password with out remembering since I've been changing passwords to everything lately.. but on the third try it said I was locked out for an hour. While reading the lockout message, I saw that it had Jesse's number on it. I then used my number and got onto my account. I emailed him telling him I'm not sure what happened, that somehow I locked his account temporarily for an hour. I apologized (still have the email...), and meant it.

Fast forward to this morning... I was on break checking my email on my phone, and Jesse responded.. telling me that it was funny how that happened, and that somehow the email from att telling him that his web account was frozen for an hour was erased.. (with a big emphasis on the HMMMMMMMM...)

Get this.... ready now??? LOL.. he accused me of hacking his email account!!!!! O.M.G. I nearly died laughing. Hell, I can't even figure out how to reset my computer, much less hack into an email account. I'm kind of honored that he would think I'm that technologically smart.... and the fact that I'm able to read his mind in determining what his password is LOL. He probably erased it himself, or maybe that g/f of his? I don't know, nor really care.

I'm thinking he's very paranoid and acting quite delusional.

Why in hell would I do that, much less how??? I know he THINKS I "hacked" into his facebook account, but in reality, I didn't. I logged into his facebook account, with a password that he provided. Our computers were centrally located and not password protected. And, only that one time. That one time, I got lucky. Any other times that he "thinks" I hacked into his computer are completely ludicrous.

I can also bet, knowing him as I do, that he "thinks" I'm stalking him, because I saw where he lives with his girlfriend the other day... Hell, I pass by that apartment every day just about LOL.

It would be interesting to see what he posts about me on facebook.. and how many paranoid/delusional thoughts he has about me LOL, but he's afraid to let me see.

Which made me wonder why would someone be so paranoid? Insecurities? Guilt?? Who knows? I don't really care. I think it's a hoot that he thinks this.. it just shows how much help he needs mentally... I even told him when he left he needs to keep going to counseling while he still has insurance. As far as I know, he hasn't been going. He really, really needs some help.

But again, I thank you again Jesse for a great laugh. I feel better.

On another note, I found my itouch. I lost in about 2 or 3 weeks ago.. couldn't find it anywhere. Unfortunately, I lost it outside. It must have slipped out of my purse. It doesn't work anymore. Rest in peace cheap itouch :(

But gawd, what a great day.

Getting one's groove back

I've been doing good since yesterday morning's breakdown LOL. Now, I'm "getting my bitch on" as Debbie would say. I turned in my financial paperwork, and let my lawyer know some stuff.. and he let me know some stuff, now I feel extremely better. I now have hope. I will get through this.

I don't care if this divorce takes a year, I have all the time in the world. Unlike others (Jesse), I don't have another person waiting in the wings for me. I just want what was promised to me.

Paperwork

Gawd, I hate paperwork.

Got the financial info in the mail from my lawyer. I have to list debts and assets. Realized we have tons of debts, but little of value in marital assets, other than the 3 computers (jesse's 2, and my laptop) and the cars lol. The furniture isn't even worth much total. The yard/household tools. Other than that, nada lol. Lots of little things. But I don't have to list the little things. Unless I'm sitting on a gold mine and I don't know it. I doubt that one big time LOL. Now I'm just waiting on paperwork to prove debts. I have it for my school loans and mortgage, just waiting on the medical. Then, this divorce will get real fun (sarcasm inserted here lol).

On another note, my hair's driving me insane. I can't wash it until Tuesday morning.. it feels icky LOL. I forgot how much a pita a perm is.

Took my first sleeping pill today.. I hope it works. It would be nice to sleep in till 4am LOL.

Painting...

I painted the doors of the house a little lighter blue. They were a mint green. It looks a lot better. I have to paint the trim white again, since I messed up the paint a little. I would've loved to do a brighter color on the front door, but since there's a screen, it wouldn't be seen. So, I made them blend into the house. It looks rather good if I say so myself.

I would love to repaint/sand down the bathroom.. but since I don't know what my situation will be in the next few months, I'm not sure I want to start something I won't be able to finish. Right now, the way/color it's painted, looks like someone finger painted the bathroom walls with poop lol. The floor also needs to be replaced, the tiles are all cracked. The previous owner didn't lay the tiles down right.

I would also love to replace the floor in the kitchen.. the linoleum, no matter how much I scrub, always look dirty.

It would also be good to remove the carpet from the living room. the green color seems off place in this house. It doesn't help that the hallway color is a cheap blue carpet LOL.

I need to clean out Jesse's craft room.... I was debating making that a bedroom, but there wouldn't be much room for my bed LOL. I can see myself trying to wake up, standing up, and wham! My head against the wall. I guess I could use it as a place to study. That desk would be great to use to study on... and I wouldn't have to worry about being distracted.

The work would take me forever to do, but would keep me occupied.

I think..

I think I'm going to start packing Jesse's stuff up. I'm going to pack the stuff up as I get boxes from work. I have a few already. I don't know where I'll store the stuff though. Maybe I'll try and make room in the shed, since the basement is very damp. I offered several times for him to come get his other stuff, but he won't talk to me. Maybe this will help me with my emotions.

I wish...

I wish I knew how to get over this.
I wish I knew how to make things alright.
I wish I could stop crying.
I wish I could move on.
I wish I could concentrate on school.
I wish I could sleep.
I wish I could stop hurting.
I wish I had energy.
I wish I could socialize with out the worry of breaking out in tears.
I wish things were back to normal.
I wish I didn't have to worry.
I wish not to be jealous of my husband being able to move on so quickly after nearly 11 years.
I wish he loved me as much as I did him.
I wish to not have headaches any more.
I wish to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the bills next month.
I wish to not have to cry in front of my friends at work.
I wish I didn't want my husband back, even after what he did to me.
I wish I was a stronger person.
I wish I wasn't so depressed.
I wish I could not cry in front of my boys.
I wish I could stop crying right now.
I wish .... I wish for a lot of things.

But, like I've been told many times growing up: Wish in one hand, shit in the other.. see which one fills up faster.

This one's for you Jesse

Why is Jesse so nasty to me?

That is a good question. I asked myself that the first day I found out about his affair. I mean, he told his girl friend he couldn't stand being near me that day, but, he couldn't stand to be away from me. He laid on my lap for most of the day, loving being babied. He spent quite a bit of time with me.. him on me. I never forced him anywhere near me. He was quite willing. And this is what is the most confusing and hurtful to me I think.

As for his nastiness? I think it has to do with me not backing down and letting him run away scott free. Nothing came up in our marriage about not being happy until after The Affair started. He never gave us a chance to work on things. I think, honestly, that if I didn't find that chat, we would still be here together... him having the best of both worlds. I honestly think this.

I bet he's still telling his friends/family that it's all my fault. He even posted on facebook that It was all my fault. Granted, I wasn't the model housewife, but!! no one deserves having their spouse break their wedding vows to be faithful to each other. I mean, he didn't even give us a chance to even go to counseling, to work on things. This alone proves to me that his affair has nothing to do with me and all to do with him.

I can bet you (because I know Jesse) he's extremely pissed about this blog. I am telling the truth on this blog. I need a way to express myself. Or, is it that only jesse's allowed to express his feelings to everyone?

Also knowing Jesse, I have a feeling he's not going to help with the taxes due or the mortgage here soon. He probably thinks I'm a horrible, nasty, crazy person who doesn't deserve help. Jesse knows better. He knows who I am. I have kids to support, and a house to put together that he crumbled, and a heart to somehow sew back together. How, after nearly 11 years, he would think something like this of me? It hurts that he would even consider me to be this way.

I also don't understand, him being a libertarian, can't understand that I need the freedom to express myself? He knows I haven't lied in this blog. He knows that I have proof to back things I say. Why can't he admit it to himself?

It hurts me to know that he's being this way. I've been with him so long that it still hurts to know that something's not right. Even after what he did to me. I tried to be amicable to him. I really tried. But, how can I be anymore when I hear things that he's saying to his friends about me? I only told one friend about what happened, until he started posting on facebook on how much of a terrible wife and mother I was. That hurt bad. I did everything for those boys and for him. Even before we were married, and he had no job, I supported him. I supported everything he's done. Maybe I held my feelings in, but that doesn't excuse what he's done. It could've been worked on.

I am not being nasty. I am hurt. But because my being hurt makes him look bad, I'm being nasty. Am I not allowed to voice my pain??? He won't speak to me, he won't help me out in terms of the bills WE BOTH occurred. Yes Jesse, that means both YOU and ME. Not just ME. In the marriage, what you earned was OURS. What I earned was OURS.
I can't afford to pay off everything myself. That is because we were together and had both of our incomes together and lived in a style that fit the both of us together. You left, and left me with the bulk of everything. That is not fair. And, knowing you, you're wanting to not own up to this. If it takes a judge to get you to help me out until the divorce is final, then let it be so, and since you've been through this before with your first ex, you know what the judge is going to say.


This is for you Jesse, since you won't talk to me, but I do know for a fact you're reading my blog.

Its rather funny..going by to pick up my bro, and around the corner from him was jesse and his gf on the porch. I stopped and waved. he had a great oh shit look.

Wanna know something funny? I just saw jesse's car.. He's not staying with his friend, rather he's with his girlfriend on union st LOL. So much 4 not cheating.

Cats.. argh

Was going to post another post this morning, but decided to first take a shower and start laundry. When I got back, somehow, the cat decided he wanted to delete my last post lol. Damn cat. Not sure how he did it. He is a rather heavy cat and I guess I'm lucky I still have the blog period.

On a good note, since I started this diet ( I think I started mid Aug?).. I lost 33lbs, and have gone down two sizes. I iz proud... of course, I believe the divorce is helping along the weight loss since I'm losing my appetite quite often these days. I just wish I could sleep.

My bro is coming over today to perm my hair.. I told him he has free reign, as long as he doesn't make me look like fuzzy wuzzy.

It's going to be a good weekend.

Doctors

I hate doctors, and my doctor knows that I'm not comfortable around them... so, needless to say, I don't go unless I really need to. I went today to get tested for STDs. The poor guy, I couldn't stop crying. He was pretty good about it, considering he's a friend of Jesse. He went on to explain that he's Jesse's friend and my friend as well, and if I felt uncomfortable that he would help me find another doc. I told him that I have no issues with him and would rather keep someone I know. I told him the whole story about what happened. He had me do a pee test today, and in December I get to do the lovely blood work.. since it takes 6 months for HIV to show up. And since Jesse's been sleeping around since June (at least that's what he told me.. god knows how long it actually has been), that's the time to do it. So, my Christmas gift this year will be blood work. yay. The poor guy, he had to watch me cry. And then I burst in tears again with the receptionist LOL. I've think I've cried more this month than I have in my life. God knows why.

EDITED: I've made up my mind.

I hate what Jesse has made me become. I hope he's proud.

I was just propositioned by a woman to "go black" and go out with her and her man to the 50's pub lol and she'l introduce me to some real men lol o.O

Why is Maine so assbackwards?

Visited my lawyer today, feel much better about my situation. Although, I was a little distraught when he told me that it can take from 6 months to a year to get divorced. eek. I have almost gotten to the point to where I don't cry at every mention of the situation... I start to, but it's getting easier to reign my emotions in. Luckily enough, the guys at work are rather nice about it. I think it's more to do with me being young enough to be their daughter LOL.

I moved from the quality lab area and into the engineering room (I'm still in quality, but the red headed stepchild of the department.. and for some reason they think this is a match, in a room full of engineers. It's like putting a mouse in front of a cat.. they eat quality people up whole). The guys like to gossip (probably more so) than the women in the lab. They're a hoot though, and easy to get along with.

6 months to a year? wow.

Good friends are out there..

I'm glad to have good friends out there that listen to me, to view what I view, to make sure I'm not losing it in terms of what's going on. It's always good to get a second opinion on things, especially by those who have been through the same thing as you're going through. They are the ones that lift your spirits and make you feel like there is hope out there. The road will be hard, but it will even out in the end.

Where's Debbie and her word of the day? LOL

PS. Hi all the regular readers :).. what few there are LOL.

Slander...

Slan·der /ˈslændər/ Show Spelled[slan-der]

a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report: a slander against his good name.

It ain't slander if you aren't lying.

Why you ask?

I am doing this blog for no one but myself. I'm thinking for myself for once. I need a way to figure out things, and this is helping me. I do not lie. I have proof for everything I post. If this hurts feelings, then please, stop reading. I am not doing this to hurt anyone, I'm doing this to fix the hurt that was done to me.

And I refuse to feel guilty for doing this either.

Slander anyone?

Jesse was told by his friend who was looking at my facebook that I blogged about him. He went on facebook and said I slandered him. I texted him and asked him what I was lying about, and he couldn't answer me. i told him I would remove all lies if he could point them out. I have texts
to prove this. All he could come up with was that he wanted me to remove them and that it made me look like I never did wrong. Far from it. When in fact he's been telling everyone that I didn't pay any attention to him or the kids, instead of him committing adultery. So, who's slandering whom?

Eh. ya. whatev.

I'm tired, and need sleep. I have a test tomorrow in classical mechanics. I'm not ready. I haven't studied (except for today...). This crap with Jesse has fudged my thinking. Especially when it comes to physics. I know I'm going to fail this test. Thank god that the teach allows a retake of a test at the end of the semester.

I don't know how I feel today. I feel.. blah. I wanted to go for a walk, but it was raining... ok, it was cold and sprinkling. I didn't want to go really.

On another Jesse note, a few months ago, friends/family received an anonymous private message through facebook saying that I was a ho and liked it up the rump basically (in condensed form) and slept around. I'm 100% sure it was Jesse doing it to me. He brought it up again during this last fight, saying I had a "guilty" look when he mentioned it. LOL.. I haven't had time to breath much less screw with another person. This wasn't the first time he messed with my head. Before I moved up to Maine with him (I was still living in NH and we were moving quickly..), a person online was stalking me. Knew everything about me, what stuff was in my car, knew my kids, and threatened me with harm via the internet. Freaked me out. I went to Jesse's house over the weekend, and went on his computer to check my email. I just took the computer out of sleep mode, and guess what: His email was up, and guess what the email addy was? The dickhead who was stalking me. Jesse was the stalker. I remember confronting him about it, and he said he was afraid of the relationship and how fast it was going. I don't remember what my response was unfortunately. He does things to intentionally hurt people mentally and emotionally, and yet claims to be a counselor and a christian.

I think I'm more afraid of losing my home. I haven't heard from my lawyer in about a week and a half. I had to scrimp up and beg for help to pay for this lawyer, when Jesse gets to ask mommy and daddy for the money. I'm going to have the lawyer get Jesse to pay for his fees. He left me with all the bills. He refuses to even pay the agreed upon mortgage payment.. which isn't evenly divided up like it should be.

Oh, and he's still talking to the ho LOL. Probably still sleeping with her too.

Oh well, his loss.

This is blogging is actually helping LOL

My life as of now

Let's start this out by giving a snapshot of my life. I'm in a bad place right now, and hoping that this blog will help me in expressing my feelings and thoughts and getting me out of this slump I'm in.

I'm married, been married for 5 years now to Jesse Kiesel, and been with my husband for almost 6 years before marriage. He raised the my boys like they were his own. We met online when I was living in New Hampshire. He was a good guy, a christian, and treated me quite well.

It started to change when, before we were married, I found him chatting online with some women, and looking at porn. I got mad of course, and he stopped. I loved him, and got over it in my own way.

We were an old married couple, with our problems. We were growing apart, but I thought (stupidly I know...) that that's what married people do. He was always on the computer, chatting with friends and looking up with stuff. In the morning he was on the computer after waking. When I came home, he was on the computer up until we went to bed. Even when he wasn't on the internet, he was on his computer all the time.

There was a point I had to work 2 jobs to keep our family fed, and after we were married, Jesse talked me into going back to school. So, I started. I was going to school full time and working full time. Because of his computers and my school/work, we grew apart... but that doesn't mean I didn't love him and wanted to work on things. I thought he was happy in what he was doing. He never said a word.. so how was I supposed to know he wasn't happy?

Fast forward to three weeks ago. Out of the blue, Jesse got upset, and said I never paid any attention to him. We weren't close, that I "changed" since we got together. I said ok, lets work on it then. We both put down the computers, spent time together. We made a point to spend an hour or two after work and before bed together, alone. We put plans in to do weekly dates together, just the two of us.

Well, we went to walmart one day to do grocery shopping, and for some reason, Jesse had a fit. I asked him, if all this was due to another woman. He said no. I should've paid attention to my intuition. I know when Jesse's lying. He gets this look. And he had that look when I asked him. But, I didn't pay attention. We took a walk to get out of the house. When we got home, the first thing he did was pick up his computer and logged onto facebook. Well, I knew his facebook passwords, and logged in at the same time he did.... and boy, did I find out some information.

I was reading his chats with this woman Michelle Pellitier (or however you spell it). Jesse has always claimed that she was a friend from when he worked at port resources, when he was still married to Lindsay (or however you spell her name). They were close then. But, he swore up and down that they were just friends and he was "helping" her out with her computer. Well, I was watching him chatting with her (believe me, I have a copy of this chat), and the next thing I know, he was telling her he couldn't stand to be near me, that all he wanted to do was be with her. He "really" needed to see her after his "counseling" appointment that Monday.

I confronted him about this. He said he hasn't loved me for years, he didn't even want to marry me. He's been having an affair with her since June. he had a thing for her during his last marriage. I wanted him to either leave or give her up. He choose to leave.

We just bought a house in Nov., and we have no equity in this house whatsoever. He signed an agreement that when he received his inheritance, that he would help me out so I could stay in the house. I have two kids, both in high school, and one that is about to graduate. I can't change schools on him now. There are no decent apartments that I can afford, especially since he left me with all the bills. He's only paying a small portion of the mortgage. He's not even paying rent, but somehow, I'm supposed to pay everything, alone. So, I'm going to hold him up to the signed contract as much as I can.. or at least my lawyer will.

I'm hurt. I've offered him several times to go to marriage counseling, and to forgive him for cheating on me. I know I ain't the best wife, but I did NOT deserve what he did to me. He supposedly a Christian. He's what gives Christians bad names. He never gave me a chance. Now, he's mad at me. ME? What in hell did I do? He cleaned out the bank accounts, and left me with the mess.

I'm depressed, I can't sleep, having a hard time eating, not concentrating at school.. 3 weeks and I'm depressed. I'm restless, can't stop crying. I'm not a sociable person, so I don't have many people to talk to... and the worst thing? He gets to live the free life. No worries, no stress.. nothing. He gets to screw with this woman while I hurt.

I have to go to the doctors Friday, to make sure that I don't have an STD. And the worst thing? My doctor is his friend. Wanna know how embarrassing this is for me?

Even more so, he's telling his friends that I'm at fault. I never paid attention to him or the kids or the family. Bullshit. I've worked two jobs, going to school while working full time, doing housework, and cooking. He says he does all the work at the house. When was the last time he vacuumed? dusted? mopped? cooked? cleaned?

The boys are handling it quite well. Derrick, my youngest (16), told me he wasn't surprised. Whenever I was at work, he was gone from the house all the time. It's great that he flaunted this affair in front of my kids.

Sad thing is, that I was willing to forgive and go to counseling.

Now, he's in a hurry to get me to sign. He's worried that I can touch his inheritance. Well, he needs to get into the real time and realize how much debt we're in, between school loans and the house. I might not be able to touch it, but he has the ability to now pay.

Because he left me with all the bills, I have no way to save money for an apartment or to even move. I can't afford first/security deposit. I can't afford anything.

And Jesse doesn't give a shit. He thinks it's all about him. His life, his money, his things. Not ours, it never was about "us" it was always about "him".
He is a selfish bastard that hurt me, and doesn't care that he has.

If you never loved me, then why in the hell did you marry me? Why in hell did you want to buy this house (and yes, this was your idea)? Why in hell aren't you up late/early crying your eyes out?

What is wrong with wanting answers? I need them.