I was fine today, great actually, at work. Then I got home. I started painting a piece of furniture, then I started to think. Me and thinking do not mix well these days.
Thoughts I am pondering, and I know I shouldn't... but how in hell do I stop?!
1. What's the latest Jesse is telling his friends? Is he playing the victim card again? He has no right to. I haven't really thought of this again until today. First, I wasn't paying attention to him or the kids, then it was I was insecure with myself and making these stories up about him cheating. I know I shouldn't worry about it, I don't run in the same crowds as Jesse does.. but it still hurts.
2. How in hell am I going to afford the winter months? I'm afraid to turn on the heat because I can't afford the heating bill, and I know for a fact Jesse will whine about not able to afford to help out with an oil bill (bullshit..). It's already cold out, and I'm tired of being cold.
3. And why is so many people that aren't friendly with me reading this blog (yes, I have IP tracking)? Why is Jesse's mom, his sister, his brother in law, his new girlfriend, Jesse himself, a friend or two of his,reading my blog? Are they hoping I will fuck up in some sort of way and that it'll give them rope to hang me with? Or are they sick and like to see my pain? I did nothing wrong to these people. Their son/brother/friend hurt me. I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray our wedding vows. Hell, I was even willing to work on the marriage (even with his cheating)before he started lying to his friends/family. He needs some help. If anything comes of this, I hope you all can talk him into seeing a counselor, he's very depressed. A myriad of things come to mind why: his weight, guilt, male issues, and his mother issues.
4. I want to move on.. I need to. But I can't. I'm living in a place where I can't afford to heat, I have no spending money to even get the boys a hamburger from a fast food joint. I can't even get my oldest his senior pictures because of how Jesse screwing me over. I want to move on, I want to get out of this house. I rather like this house, but I can't afford it. I refuse to have anything to do with selling it. I put in all the work into getting this house because this is the one Jesse wanted. I did the legwork, I did the paperwork.. I refuse to put in any legwork into selling this place. I will. That is non-negotiable. I put a lot of time and sweat into getting this place. All he did was sign his name. literally. Let Jesse do something on his own for once in his life.
5. Why do I still feel this way? Why is there still pain? I'm tired of it.. so tired of it. I know I'll have good days and bad days, and after 230pm, today was one of those bad days LOL.
If you don't like what I write, then feel free to click that little x at the top right hand side of the browser window, because this blog is for no one else but for me, me and my growth.
I feel better getting this out.
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